Seinfeld-isms

[SnapFan1]

Seinfeld is one of my favorite shows. Here are a few of my favorites:

Jerry: Look at the size of that neon light.
Kramer: Roger's can't sell chicken around here, we got chicken places on every block.
Jerry: He is the gambler.
- Seinfeld episode 142

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George: Well, aren't you the boss of him? You shouldn't let him move up!
When I was in the Cub Scouts, I got stuck on Webelos for three years 'cause
I kept losing the Pinewood Derby.
- Seinfeld episode 165

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George: Yo, dad. This is my boss, Mr. Kruger.
Frank: Have you seen the pole, Kruger?
George: Dad, he doesn't need to see the pole.
Frank: He's gonna see it.
- Seinfeld episode 166

[Menotti80]

"I'm out there Jerry, and I'm lovin every minute of it!"

 

"Pulp can move, Baby!"

 

"You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood!"

 

"To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting through. You're stupid."

 

"And you want to be my latex salesman..."

 

"I've cut slices so thin, I couldn't even see them."

"How'd you know you cut it?"

"Well, I guess I just assumed."

 

"Let me understand. You've got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?"

 

"Don't you even care? This is your company. It's your name on the outside of the building. Speaking of which, the R fell off and all it says now is K-UGER."

"K-UGER. That sounds like one of those old time car horns, huh? K-UGER! K-UGER!"

"You are too much, Mr. Kruger. Too much!"

"Thank you George, you've been great. That's it for me!"

"What? No, no, you're not going out on a high note with me, Mr. Kruger."

"It's K-UGER!"

 

"Bacterial meningitis... Jackpot!"

"Gonnorhea? You wanna trade?"

"Sorry buddy, this is the Hamlet of diseases. Severe pain, nausea, delusions... It's got everything."

 

"Simple. You let out one emotion, all the rest will come. It's like Endora's Box."

"That was the mother on Bewitched. You mean Pandora."

"Yeah, well, she had one too."

 

"Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over."

 

"You know, Darren, if you had told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the world's energy problems, I would've said you were crazy. Now let's push this giant ball of oil out this window."

 

"Too bad you couldn't do *that* for a living... You'd be very successful at it. You could sell out Madison Square Garden. Thousands of people could watch you. You could be a big star!"

 

"I can't take it any more! She's drivin' me crazy. I can't sleep, I can't leave the house. When I'm here I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile I'm datin' a virgin, I'm in this contest... something's gotta give!"

 

"So, what have you been doing with yourself?"

"I'm a comedian."

"Well, I really wouldn't know about that. I don't watch much TV. I like to read. What do you do, a lot of that 'Did you ever notice' kind of stuff? It strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind of humor."

"Yeah yeah... Boy, you really went bald there, didn't you? You used to really have a thick full head of hair."

"Well, I guess I started losing it when I was about 28, right around the time I made my first million."

 

"I'm not an orgy guy!"

 

"Bald men with no jobs and no money who live with their parents don't approach strange women."

 

"That cashier is riding horses on my money."

"Well, here's what I propose. Go down to the stables, snoop around, see if any high-flying cashier's been throwing twenty-dollar bills around with big lips."

 

"Oh, I was unstoppable! Perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella, with just the right amount of grease on the joystick."

 

"These are terrible."

"It's like trying to smoke a chicken bone."

 

"Kramer, he's just a dentist."

"Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite."

 

"The jerk store called, they're running out of you!"

 

"A bird ran into my giant freak-head."

"What giant freak-head?"

"The one that sits atop my disproportionately puny body. I'm a walking candy apple!"

 

 

 

ok thats enough for now...

[I Heart Brewers]

[At Yankees batting practice]

George Costanza: Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant.

[Hits a home run]

George Costanza: It's not complicated.

Derek Jeter: Now, who are you again?

George Costanza: George Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary.

Bernie Williams: Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?

George Costanza: Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball games?

Derek Jeter: We won the World Series.

George Costanza: In six games.

[jcr0nk]

this thread could go on forever, there are so many good ones.

 

heres a couple more.

 

"I lived my whole life in shame! Why should I die with dignity?"

 

"I love a good nap it's the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning."

[brettac1]

The entire Merv Griffin Show episode is probably my favorite of the entire series.

[I Heart Brewers]

I agree with you Brett. Among the many gems in that episode I love the whole tape recorded crowd applause and scandals and animals bit.

 

'Stop tape now'

[logan82]

" I don't know how you guys walk around with those things."

[Weirdos19]

* "Not that there's anything wrong with that." I figured somebody would have said that by now.

 

*Kramer's line about the Junior Mints is great too.

 

*"Are you master of your domain?"

 

*"Did you catch her or zip up?"

 

*"Is that a Titleist?"

[IslandsAC]

Another classic Jerry and Kramer exchange...

 

"Ah, you're crazy."

"Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?!"

"It's impossible!"

"Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?!"

"It can't be."

"Can it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?"

"Alright, that's enough."

"Yaaaaaaahhh!!!"

[jlau20]

"How can I bet at the corner of 1st and 1st? I must be at the nexus of the universe!"

[JET15]

Oh and by the way: they're real and their FANTASTIC

[Menotti80]

I almost forgot about this classic:

 

Elaine: "What time you got?"

Kramer: "Oh, no. I don't wear a watch."

Elaine: "What do you do?"

Kramer: "Well, I tell time by the sun."

Elaine: "How close do you get?"

Kramer: "Well, I can guess within an hour."

Elaine: "Well, I can guess within the hour, and I don't even have to look at the sun."

Kramer: "Yeah."

Elaine: "Well, what about at night? What do you do then?"

Kramer: "Well, night's tougher but it's only a couple of hours."

[Menotti80]

Jerry: So, tell me anyway. Who was the BIG mastermind?

Elaine: Oh, I can't Jerry. I'm sworn to secrecy.

Jerry: All right. But then I can't tell you the BIG news.

Elaine: News? What news?

Jerry: Sorry!

Elaine: What? What?

Jerry: All right, Elaine but this is beyond news. This is like Pearl Harbor. Or the Kennedy assassination. It's like not even news. It's total shock.

Elaine: Oh, come on, Jerry:. Please, please, please, please, please!

Jerry: George Costanza...

Elaine: Yeah?

Jerry: Is getting married!

Elaine: Get out!

 

 

I love when Elaine shoves Jerry or Kramer

 

Or how about when the people at Elaine's Office call her "Nip"

 

haha

[jlau20]

Elaine: What's this? What happened to your fur?

David Puddy: I saw Jerry wearing his. He looked like a bit of a dandy. Check this out. 8 ball. You got a question, you ask the 8 ball.

Elaine: So you're going to wear this all the time?

David Puddy: All signs point to yes.

[jlau20]

Kramer: I was returning some pants. I took a short cut in a subway tunnel and fell in some mud, ruining my pants. The very pants I was returning.

Elaine: I don't understand - you were wearing the pants you were returning?

Kramer: Well, I guess I was.

Elaine: What were you going to wear home?

Kramer: Elaine, are you listening? I never even got there.

 

------------------

 

Kramer: Say you got a big job interview, and you're a little nervous. Well, throw back a couple shots of Hennigans and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it's odorless, why, it will be our little secret.

Kramer: H-E-double N-I...

Jerry: That'll do (or something like that)

 

------------------

 

Kramer: Well I ran out onto the court and threw a hot dog at Reggie Miller. Involved. And they threw me, and Reggie, and Spike out out of the game.

Elaine: So that's it?

Kramer: Well I felt pretty bad about everything and then the three of us went to a strip club.

[Menotti80]

KRAMER: (Speaking very fast and fidgety) You can't put a limit on my cafe lattes, it says so right here. And I don't want to get dirty looks when I come in here. If I want a cafe latte, you give me a cafe latte. And if I have any problems I'm gonna get my lawyer Jackie Chiles down here and your gonna be in really big trouble.

(Kramer exits and runs into Jerry and George)

JERRY: Hey hey hey, slow down Eddie. What what's the matter?

KRAMER: Awe there making faces at me cause I've had a couple of cafe lattes. But I'm entitled to them. I can have as many cafe lattes as I want, that was the settlement.

JERRY: That's it?

KRAMER: That's it. What you want one George? I can get one for you. No problem. Jerry, you want one? They're delicious. My pleasure.

JERRY: You've got to stop it. Your your all hopped up on the caffein.

KRAMER: Well I feel like I'm talking fast but it's very hard to tell.

JERRY: You're racing!

KRAMER: Well well I've got things to do. I'll see you later. Bye.

(Kramer walks extremely fast away from Jerry and George first putting the contract into his jacket and then fixes his tie all while still walking extremely fast)

[zzzmanwitz]

Kramer: Is that a Titleist?

 

George: (Nods)

 

Kramer: Well.... hole in one!

[Mass Haas]

Estelle (crying): I can't believe it, he was so young. How could this

have happened?

 

Steinbrenner: Well, he'd been logging some pretty heavy hours, first

one in in the morning, last one to leave at night. That kid was a human

dynamo.

 

Estelle: Are you sure you're talking about George?

 

Steinbrenner: You are Mr. and Mrs. Costanza?

 

Frank (yelling): What the hell did you trade Jay Buhner for?!? He had

30 home runs, over 100 RBIs last year, he's got a rocket for an arm, you

don't know what the hell you're doin'!!

 

Steinbrenner: Well, Buhner was a good prospect, no question about it.

But my baseball people love Ken Phelps' bat. They kept saying 'Ken

Phelps , Ken Phelps'.

 

(Scene: Jerry entering his apartment, as Frank is leaving a message on

his answering machine)

 

Frank (from the answering machine): Jerry, it's Frank Costanza, Mr.

Steinbrenner is here, George is dead, call me back!

[Menotti80]

Jerry Seinfeld: Hold it, Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce.

Newman: I love broccoli, its good for you.

Jerry Seinfeld: Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?

[Jerry opens container. Newman takes a piece]

Newman: Gladly.

[Newman spits it out]

Newman: Vile weed!

[brewers4eric]

I taped every first run episode of Seinfeld. I consider it one of my life's greatest accomplishments, something George Costanza could be proud of. My favorite episode involved the verbal exchange between Jerry and the Library Collection agent, Mr. Bookman. I now utilize a Bookman phrase, " you and your good time buddies" every time my wife goes out with any of her friends. She has never caught on to the reference, but she also doesn't understand why I refuse to part with the box of VHS tapes that are stored on a shelf in our basement.

[ILuvDaBush]

Oh come on, guys! The greatest line... The ONE line that every Seinfeld fan will undoubtedly crack a smirk over....

 

 

NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!! NEXT!!!!!

[lukevan]

My favorite episode involved the verbal exchange between Jerry and the Library Collection agent, Mr. Bookman.

 

Yes! My favorite scene as well.

 

Bookman: Well let me tell you something, funny boy. You know that little stamp that says New York Public Library? Well that may not mean anything to you but that means a lot to me, one whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before, flashy, makin' the scene, flaunting convention.

 

Yeah, I know what you're thinking: "What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books?" Well let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world. But what about that kid, sitting down opening a book, right now, in a branch of the local library, and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees in The Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers. Doesn't he deserve better?

 

Look, if you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped. Or, maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld. Maybe that's how you get your kicks, you and your good-time buddies. Well I got a flash for you, joy-boy: Party time is over. You got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week.