My Bill Simmons-esque column on the Brewers

[jaybird2001wi]

If you are a member of the Brewer faithful, do not read until the season is over the Brewers have blown their post-season chances.

 

The Milwaukee Brewers were the Cinderella team of 2007, compiling an early season surge and was able to keep the lead until the middle of August when it collapsed for many reasons.

 

What happened to the team that began the season 24-10 and had more control over the lower teams in the NL Central? Injuries happened, inconsistencies happened and desperation happened.

 

The Brewers relied on Ben Sheets at the tail end of the season before he had his annual second unusual injury of the season.

 

Back when Sheets was on the draft board, the Brewers looked at him like a brand new sports car, but now they are putting more money into repairing the sports car than the sports car is actually worth. It has had to replace its tires, engine and put in new spark plugs in order for it to work. The only problem is, the "fancy car" they thought Sheets was became about as steady as a 1996 Mazda 626.

 

Ned Yost, on the other hand, continued to have more starting lineups than the Chicago Blackhawks had penalty killing lines and power play lines combined. Yost also had trouble with his cooking, sticking a fork in his pitchers and not knowing if the pitcher is fully cooked for a game or not, leading pitchers to become medium rare or just plain well-done.

 

The team did draw the most All-Stars in its history since 1982 when JJ Hardy, Prince Fielder, Francisco Cordero and Ben Sheets went to the Midsummer Classic. It does give you a glimmer of hope for the future as two of the four will likely stick around for at least another five years, and Ryan Braun's bat will play a more prominent role for 2008.

 

Then there is the whole "Young and Restless" curse of Hardy, Billy Hall, Chris Capuano and Jeff Suppan. "You can warm me up anytime," said Hardy during the clip of their appearance. Apparently, the female who wished to warm up Hardy hasn't warmed up Capuano since his appearance on the show, leading to a total breakdown.

 

Billy Hall is the only one who wasn't "affected" by the Y&R curse, as he has been consistently inconsistent. It makes you wonder if Bill Hall has an evil twin named, Phillip, and Phillip tied Bill Hall up in his basement leading to Phil Hall's sudden fame on Y&R.

 

The team hasn't had a winning season since 1992 and no playoff appearances since 1982. But rest assured Brewer faithful, this team is not the infamous team with the longest playoff drought. Say hello to the Montreal Expos/Washington Nationals franchise.

 

As the Brewers' playoff hopes are nearing the finish line, I can feel the sudden "Ughs" around every Milwaukee-area bar as if every at bat puts a dagger into a different Brewer fans heart. The hearts of all Brewer fans are slowly and surely getting beat to a bloody pulp after every Johnny Estrada, who we cannot call "Ponch" but "Gordo Poncho," grounding into a double play.

 

To see the hapless Cubs challenge the Brewers down to the last two weeks of the season makes things more urgent for Brewer fans to see the team win. Hopefully, the team will come through and continue the Cubs' disillusioned fans bantering.

 

The key for the Brewers in the offseason is to somehow find the real Bill Hall and arrest Phil Hall for identity theft, and somehow find a way to trade Ben Sheets by cleaning him up and passing him off as a "barely used" car. Oh, and bring the lucky female from Y&R to help warm Capuano up before every game, but keep the female away from Ryan Braun because young players like Braun will be stricken with kryptonite every time a young player approaches an attractive woman.

 

Maybe they need to enlist the help of Dr. Phil to help iron out the differences between Yost, Estrada and Tony Graffanino. Maybe have Dr. Phil ask Estrada how "it feels to defend his teammates in time of need and why he had to do it."

 

(double-spaced paragraphs --1992)