John Donovan says the Brewers are dead

[Oldcity]

Simply a stunning article from SI's John Donovan. Note the fact that this was posted TODAY, the same day that the Brewers enter play tied for first place in their division. Plus there's just the cheezy fake obituary, which is annoying in itself.

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In the old days of journalism, before blogging and podcasting and video streaming on that there Internet thingy, one of the first assignments of a cub reporter was the obituary desk. There, the young professional would learn the tricks of getting out the facts, and only the facts, in a tight, simple, no-frills manner. Glamorous, no. Essential, yes.

So, in a nod to the old school way of doing things, we give you seven quick baseball obits (more to come, as September rolls along):

The Detroit Tigers, who recaptured the heart of a once-proud baseball town in 2006 with an unexpected trip to the World Series, passed away this week. The cause of death was attributed to exhaustion. Once thought to be the hands-down best team in baseball this year, the Tigers suffered though one stretch this summer, from July 19 to Aug. 10, during which their starters notched only one win. Several key pitchers, including starter Kenny Rogers and reliever Joel Zumaya, were injured. Slugger Gary Sheffield missed a big chunk of the season. Earlier this week, the Tigers slipped to a season-low seven games behind the American League Central leaders. The Tigers are survived by thousands of leftover Little Caesars pizzas (they will be re-sold next season at Comerica Park) and several crumpled cigarette packages in Jim Leyland's office. Services are pending.

The Seattle Mariners, surprise contenders in the American League West, died this week of a prolonged losing streak. The Mariners, just a game out of first place as recently as Aug. 25, amazed fans and pundits for much of 2007 with their ability to compete despite a fallow pitching staff and a midseason switch of managers. Another 200-hit season by Ichiro Suzuki and the emergence of closer J.J. Putz kept the Mariners close to the rival Angels, but the M's, as they were affectionately known, finally succumbed after 11 losses in their past 12 games, including two earlier this week to the Yankees. They are survived by Mr. Suzuki's new contract, which will keep him in Seattle through the 2012 season.

The Philadelphia Phillies, upstart challengers in the National League East, passed away earlier this week. The cause of death was attributed to wild bouts of extreme incompetence and an incontinent bullpen. The Phillies, famously proclaimed as the team to beat this preseason by their own shortstop, Jimmy Rollins, stumbled early in the year but seemed destined to fulfill Mr. Rollins' boasts when they swept the Mets last week in four games. But four losses in their past five games -- including a heartbreaking 9-8 defeat on Wednesday to the Braves in which the 'pen allowed seven runs in the last two innings -- was too much for the Phils to overcome. They are survived, still, by an infamously angry fan populace.

The Atlanta Braves, one-time ruler of the NL East, died last week. Cause of death was listed as rotational malfunction. Paced by co-aces John Smoltz and Tim Hudson for the first four months of the season, the Braves were the talk of baseball in early August after their deadline deal for slugger Mark Teixeira. Despite the best efforts of Mssrs. Smoltz, Hudson and Teixeira, though, the Braves could not find reliable starters for the final three spots in their rotation. A sweep by the Mets last week, in Atlanta's Turner Field, was the final straw. Survivors include an unfazed home fan base and general manager John Schuerholz, who isn't going anywhere.

The Los Angeles Dodgers, once-proud franchise and once sole baseball owners of the city of L.A., passed away after a stretch late in July and into August in which they went 4-15, going from two games ahead in the NL West to 6 1/2 games behind. The cause of death was a lack of pop, a badly decimated rotation and a couple of offseason signings gone south. The Dodgers are survived by several of their young players, who are expected to lead the team back to an NL West title as early as next year, and general manager Ned Colletti, who is still looking for help for this season.

The Colorado Rockies, a young, aggressive NL West team with an up-and-coming pitching staff and a load of still-raw hitters, passed away recently. Though the Rocks put on a strong fight in the final stages of the 2007 season -- they are 34-25 since June 29, paced for most of the year by phenomenal under-30 starters Jeff Francis and Aaron Cook -- an eight-game deficit, in an increasingly strong NL West, was simply too much to overcome. The Rockies are survived by their humidor.

The Milwaukee Brewers, longtime leaders in the NL Central, apparently died late last month after six losses in seven games knocked them a season-high 2 ½ games out of first place. Apparent cause of death has been listed as a lack of starting support, coupled with lineup inefficiencies and a possible constriction of the throat, especially when any glovework is involved. The Brewers, who haven't posted a winning season since 1982, led the Central by 8 ½ games in late June. Without injured ace Ben Sheets, though, and with a string of ineffective starts by Chris Capuano and Jeff Suppan, the Brewers succumbed to the hard-charging Cubs in August. As of press time, the Brewers remain officially tied for first place in the Central, so the league has yet to release an exact time of death.

[Bring Back the Stein]

Let the East Coast Sports Network proclaim the death (and ignore the success of the starters in the recent recovery effort). It will keep the price of Ryan Braun tees a little lower.

 

edit: Whoops. SI, not ESPN. So it's a Time Warner product, not ESPN.

 

edit 2: I've botched again. Won't bother correcting. It's Friday. I hate East Coasters pissing on the Brewers. I'm going home to watch the game. The end.

[Fatter than Joey]

The Brewers, who haven't posted a winning season since 1982,

 

Only missed that by 5 seasons.

[Patrick425]

The Brewers, who haven't posted a winning season since 1982,

 

Only missed that by 5 seasons.

Actuallly he missed it by 10 seasons....1992: 92-70

[TooLiveBrew]

I care so much what some ignorant, lazy hack has to say about the teams on which he's had some interns compile some stats.

 

I'd be willing to bet every single one of those team blurbs is riddled with errors. I refuse to call this man a writer, let alone a sportswriter. Just another in the long, long line of blabbermouths.

 

Direct quote from this blockhead:

 

In the old days of journalism, before blogging and podcasting and video streaming on that there Internet thingy, one of the first assignments of a cub reporter was the obituary desk. There, the young professional would learn the tricks of getting out the facts, and only the facts, in a tight, simple, no-frills manner. Glamorous, no. Essential, yes

 

Take your own advice, moron.

[Klements Bratwurst]

All the more better to rise from the dead after the third day. Resurrection would be the sweetest thing!

 

Go Crew!

[bucks2281]

Calling the Brewers "dead" is just ignorant. They're a first place team-- the rest of those teams on that list are a long shot. If the season ended today, the Brewers would be in the playoffs. I hope the guys at Fire Joe Morgan pick up on this article.

[Tbadder]

Calling the Brewers dead is brilliant! Put in on the locker room wall, enlarged!

[mls4]

He's not just trashing the Brewers either, he also seems to be saying that it's not possible that Detroit, Seattle, Philly, or the Dodgers could somehow make up 3 games in the last 3 weeks.

 

He doesn't seem to realize that any of these teams could still get hot. Although I think I'd agree with him on the Braves and Rockies.

[TooLiveBrew]

mls, your avatar rocks - did you make that? Or where did you get it?

 

EDIT: He's not just trashing the Brewers either, he also seems to be saying that it's not possible that Detroit, Seattle, Philly, or the Dodgers could somehow make up 3 games in the last 3 weeks

 

Amen.

[MadisonBrewerBlue]

actually before the last home stand started i was sayng the same thing about the brewers as were many bf.netters...i have no issue with his synopsis of the team a week ago.

[endaround]

Current BP playoff odds:

 

Tigers 23%

Mariners 7.8%

Phillies 24.4%

Braves 4.4%

Dodgers 33.3%

Rockies 11.8%

Brewers 38%

 

So Donovan was half right, good enough for SI purposes.

[Oldcity]

Yeah I was looking at BP's odds. Really the only ones who are out of it are the Braves, Mariners and probably Rockies.

[bigredrobbo]

At times like these, the Dude abides.

 

"that's just, like, your opinion, man..."

[LS Brewer]

Silly and stupid. It looks like Donovan had ten minutes until his deadline and rattled off some garbage to make press time. I respect a person for having an opinion...but only when that opinion is based upon some semblance of a fact. His own admission that the Brewers are currently in first place (it would be hard to deny that one) belies his entire blurb.

[bklynbrewcrew]

As much as I disagree with the article the fact is that the Brewers will never gain national respect until they actually win something. Sad but true.

[mls4]

mls, your avatar rocks - did you make that? Or where did you get it?

I didn't make it, I got it from somewhere, but honestly can't remember where.

 

[JumpinMacFlash]

mls, your avatar rocks - did you make that? Or where did you get it?

I didn't make it, I got it from somewhere, but honestly can't remember where.

 

I made it for one of the threads on here, exorcism or something like that

 

[TooLiveBrew]

well done, mac.

[rluzinski]

actually before the last home stand started i was sayng the same thing about the brewers as were many bf.netters...i have no issue with his synopsis of the team a week ago.

 

If anyone (fans or the media) wants to predict that a sports team is "done", if the team in question then becomes the favorite only a week later, the prediction looks really, really silly.

[mls4]

I made it for one of the threads on here, exorcism or something like that

 

Hope you don't mind that I'm using it. I think it's great obviously but I apologize for not giving you credit.