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Joke Thread!

sheetswannabe

By sheetswannabe,
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sheetswannabe First Round Pick

sheetswannabe

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So heres the thing. I have a little side project in one of my college courses, that we have to have in soon. Our professors really cool so, she gave us something fun. We have to find the funniest joke, but heres the thing. It cannot be offensive AT ALL. Not age, sex, sexual orientation, race/culture, physical characteristics, profession, POLITICS, religion, disease, intelligence, marital status, and also cannot have any cuss words in it. Thanks Brewerfan.net! After this, we can just tell all of our funniest jokes, of course they have to be Brewerfan.net friendly.
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RyDogg66 ACL Brewers

RyDogg66

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Here is an old one I heard in law school, it is really only relevant to the experience of a law student who goes to work at a big firm the summer before their last year of school, hoping to get a job at the firm after graduation....but it cracks me up so....

 

One day, a lawyer has a heart attack at the age of 55. The guy was pretty much a dirtbag and was the type of guy who gives lawyers a bad name. He awakens to find himself in hell. He is greeted by Satan and a few of his devil helpers and is taken further into hell where he runs into a bunch of his friends who have passed before him. They are all having a great time, drinking, gambling, smoking cigars and surrounded by beautiful women. The lawyer joins his friends and is having a great time. A short time later one of Satan's helpers whispers something to Satan and Satan speaks up and tells the lawyer that there has been a mistake. He isnt dead yet, he was revived and it looks like he is going to make it, so he has to go back to his body. Disappointed, the lawyer says his goodbyes to his friends. Satan asks him how he likes Hell and the lawyer says he loves it and cant wait to come back for good. Satan says "great, dont change who you are and we'll see you soon".

 

So the lawyer lives out his days being a jerk and cheating people out of money, he doesnt change a bit. Finally he dies and is off to Hell where he is again greeted by Satan and his devil helpers. He is immediately shackled and sent into the deep throws of hell. On his way he passes his friends, and they too are shackled and miserable. Satan takes him to his own corner of Hell and the lawyer says "Hey Satan, what happened to the good times, the drinking, the gambling, the women?" and Satan chuckles, "Oh, that was our summer associate program, welcome to Hell."

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trwi7 Nashville Sounds

trwi7

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It cannot be offensive AT ALL. Not age, sex, sexual orientation, race/culture, physical characteristics, profession, POLITICS, religion, disease, intelligence, marital status, and also cannot have any cuss words in it.

 

Is there such a kind?
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Hammer First Round Pick

Hammer

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This cowboy rides up to the saloon and thinks he might stop in for a drink. He gets off his horse, walks around to the back of the horse, lifts up the tail and then kisses the horse right on the butt. The cowboy then heads into the saloon to get himself a drink.

 

The Bartender says, "I know it's none of my business, but did you just kiss your horses rear end???"

 

"Sure did", says the cowboy. "I've got chapped lips."

 

The Bartender asks, "Does that get rid of them?"

 

"I don't know", replies the cowboy, "But it sure stops me from licking them!"

@BrewCrewCritic on Twitter "Racing Sausages" - "Huh?"
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  • 11 months later...
Hammer First Round Pick

Hammer

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Old thread...yes. I just got this one, though, and thought that I would share...

 

 

Why would a 10 year old have the blues ???

 

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

 

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

 

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

 

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

@BrewCrewCritic on Twitter "Racing Sausages" - "Huh?"
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lcbj68c ACL Brewers

lcbj68c

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A Wisconsin senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of a Milwaukee dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-94 towards Madison , pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a State Patrol car behind him, blue and red lights flashing. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at hisw atch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a Wisconsin State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the Trooper

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jwill535 First Round Pick

jwill535

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Some bad ones with the Format of A ------- walks into a bar and the bartender says

 

Cheeseburger "Sorry sir we do not serve food here"

 

Horse "Why the long face"

 

(my personal fav)

 

Giraffe(looks around and proclaims to everyone in the bar) "High Balls on me!!"

 

 

You could always go with Leper jokes, I mean come on, who knows any Lepers and with that no one can be offended.

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jwill535 First Round Pick

jwill535

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Not sure if this would be considered offensive or not but here we go

 

Penguin out for a drive when all of a sudden smoke appears from under the hood. He pulls into the nearest service station, explains what happened and the tech tells him that it is going to be a couple hours. Looking around and not wanting to sit at the garage the whole time the penguin notices a grocery store across the street. He heads over and wanders through out the store until he gets to the frozen food section. Knowing he has a couple hours decides to take a nap in the ice cream section. Waking up and feeling hungry the penguin opens up some ice cream and goes to town. When he is done he notices the time, gets up and heads over to the garage. The tech meets him out front holding a damaged part. The penguin looks at him and says

 

Penguin "So what is the problem?"

 

Tech "Looks like you blew a seal."

 

Penguin(confused and offended) "Nooo, its vanilla ice cream"

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brewcrewman17 College Ball

brewcrewman17

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Two muffins are baking in the oven. One muffin says to the other muffin "Man, its hot in here!" The other muffin says "Wow! Its a talking muffin!"

 

This is one of my favorite jokes ever. No kidding. One of my friends told me this joke in high school, and it was just so bizarre I almost died from laughter.
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