Out of place to tell a sister how to raise her kid?

[danzig6767]

Sorry,could avoid the long post

 

I have a divorced sister and she has a seven year old son.I end up seeing my nephew quite a bit because i live quite close to my sister and she often needs someone to watch him at various times,either i do or my daughter does at my place.In general he's a polite and well behaved kid,but my sister has rubbed off on him far to much.

 

My sister has a very good heart and loves him dearly,but she has babied him to death since he's been born.Her whole life my sister has been a paranoid type,extreme danger is lurking around every corner.Regardless if it's a beautiful summer day and she's home,all her windows are locked and blinds drawn because she'll have read somewhere or seen on TV that a rapist or peeping tom did something during daytime.She watches all these Dateline shows and reads tons of magazines,always telling me stories she heard/read about of rapes,dog attacks,kidnappings, etc etc,i could go on forever about all the remotely possible things she thinks can/will happen to her or my nephew if she doesn't take extreme caution in everything she does.On top of this,she's a germ phope/clean freak who feels she has to wash her hands after nearly touching anything not hers.

 

So here my nephew is seven years old and he's spent most of his life locked next to my sister.Before her divorce a few years ago,she was a stay at home mom and he rarely left her side.She didn't make friends in her area with woman with kids,so he rarely played with any kids except for gatherings.She doesn't trust anyone to babysit him except family,so even when she knows people with kids,he can't go there to play without her because the other kids dad might be a secret pedophile.This of course led to problems once he started school,he didn't know how to interact with kids very well.

 

He's seven years old and still mainly just plays with stuffed animals and Veggie Tales figurines.He is the most passive boy i've ever seen at this age..If he gets hurt even in the slightest way,say just a scratch from falling down,he cries and cries like he got hit with a baseball bat.He's taken on my sisters clean/germ phobia.The other day i gave him an ice cream sandwich and when it got a bit melted and some chocolate from the cake and ice cream was on his hand,he started making this whiny/grunt sound then asking me to throw the rest out so he could wash his hands.When i told him to just lick the chocolate off his finger,he started to cry because he thought i wouldn't let him wash his hands.He freaks if his clothes get dirty and pees on my bathroom floor/toliet because he won't hold himself when going,it's to dirty.He's not allowed on a bike or skateboard,he might severely hurt himself according to my sister because she read stories of kids who have.She wanted to take her ex back to court after hearing he took my nephew on a short ride on a ATV up north.When my mom watches him,my sister told her he can't be in her fenced in yard alone playing with my moms small dog for even a minute,a kidnapper could hop the fence.I could go on and on.

 

Here and there i try to tell her to let my nephew have more fun and get outside more,but she thinks everything she does makes sense,everyone else is crazy.Plus,if the temperature is above 70 and the sun is out,he might get skin cancer if in the sun to much,of course she had a story she read about to back up this claim.Public pools are germ factories and the life guards don't pay enough attention.Lakes have gross slimy fish in them.I feel bad for my nephew,unless he's in school or at my sisters friend she trusts because the girl is single (she has a kid),my nephew spends almost all his time playing by himself or with my sister which i'm sure is a barrel of fun.He's not my child so i don't try to butt it that muchn,but it bugs me quite a bit ad i'm not sure if i should press the issue more with my sister.Plus,she's as stubborn as i am (family trait),so it might be pointless and just cause problems between me and her because she gets very defensive already when i bring stuff up.

[dadofandrew]

I don't see much of an issue with most of it, but afraid to "hold it"? Can't play outside? No bike or skateboard?

 

It's kind of sad, especially the germaphobe part. Every boy should have a dog, and vice versa.

[trwi7]

Wow, maybe if you went and talked to other kids parents that she allows him to stay with or even talk to your nephew about it being okay if you get chocolate on your hands and that you can wash your hands if you want to after you lick the chocolate off.

 

But yeah it's not a good thing for your nephew to be locked inside and not allowed to play with other kids because their dad might be a "secret pedophile."

[danzig6767]

It's not that he technically can't play outside,it's that he's always with my sister and she doesn't take him outside much.In the summer it's usually to hot outside for her liking and if say her friend is taking her son to go swimming and invites my nephew,my sister won't go because it's to hot and she won't trust anyone else to watch him close enough at the pool or keep enough sun screen on so he "won't get sunburn and then skin cancer".

 

A few weeks ago i took my nephew to a park by my place and my sister came.She hovered over him and wouldn't let him on any of the play things with the other kids there except this one slide because in her view the other kids were to rough and he could get hurt.The other kids weren't being rough,they were being typical kids having fun.I felt bad,he sat there in the sand by himself or with us,watching the other kids run around having fun together.

 

As for things like bikes or skateboards,way to dangerous in her opinion.He could fall and break his arm or leg and a helmet isn't enough protection for his head as his age.At Chucky Cheese for a birthday party,he could play games,but wasn't allowed in the tubes because he can't be watched and other kids are in there with there shoes off and/or kids in them could be sick.So i tell her she's being insane and she finally says he can go in them for a short time.He gets a small bruise on his knee while in the tubes to which my nephew typically way overexagerated because he's so soft and my sister hugs/kisses him like he just averted death.She of course then tells me see he shouldn't have been in those tubes.

[danzig6767]

Wow, maybe if you went and talked to other kids parents that she allows him to stay with or even talk to your nephew about it being okay if you get chocolate on your hands and that you can wash your hands if you want to after you lick the chocolate off.

 

But yeah it's not a good thing for your nephew to be locked inside and not allowed to play with other kids because their dad might be a "secret pedophile."

 

The secret pedophile comment came from she has a friend she sees once in awhile and the girl has to kids.They invited my nephew to sleep over some night awhile ago and my sister told me she wouldn't let him sleep over because how can she trust the guy her friend lives with even though i think the guy was the father of one of the kids.

 

[RU Rah Rah]

Although her coddling seems understandable, I don't think it would be out of line at all for you to prod her a bit about letting the boy be more active. I guess the key here would be the approach: if you're too overbearing about it, she's liable to be defensive. If it were me, I'd be good natured and invoke my authority as a guy to say something to the effect of, "Hey, I know something about the socialization of little dudes . . ."

[trwi7]

Yeah I still see this as a big time problem. I mean what's going to happen when he starts getting older? Not only is he not going to able to interact with kids his age outside of school on his own, he's going to end up being ridiculed at school because of this.

It also goes both ways. He needs to understand that getting a bruise or a scrape on the knee isn't the end of the world and she needs to understand that she needs to let him get some space and play at parks and go to swimming pools with other kids and that you know kids get bruises, cuts, scrapes, broken bones etc. and it's just kids having fun. Accidents happen sometimes but not letting a kid experience anything for himself and his mom being overprotective isn't going to help him at all.

I really don't know what to suggest. Maybe you call a counsellor or therapist or something and see if they'll give you advice as to how to bring it up, when to bring it up and what to say to her after it's brought up.

[jwill535]

I would think your mother would be the better aproach to talk to her(if she is still alive, sorry if she isnt). I just have a feeling a mom would be more responsive if another mom talks to her. Then again you do watch him alot so i would talk to your mom or if you have another sister and see about a miny intervention. You dont want him to turn out to be like one of those weird home schooled kids.(sorry if you were home schooled)

[DHonks]

wow, I feel bad for the kid. To be honest, isn't part of parenting "to prepare your child for the real world?" Sorry, this kid will flip out walking on a city sidewalk because of the cracks, cigarette butts, and the gum stuck to it. Or he might freat out tailgating because the brat or hot dog has a little black (aka, burn) on it).

[Fatter than Joey]

Wow -- I can sort of relate to this.

 

We have three kids -- One of my son's friends (nice kid) has a mom (nice lady) who dates a lot of the local barflies, and at any given time they could be living in her house. My son's friend will ask my son to stay over night, but we don't let him because we do not know the adults that could be at the house -- I dont think that is over the top.

 

I can tell you though, there is nothing that can tear a family apart like well-intentioned members getting in between parents and their kids. My inlaws are constantly busting my chops, and it has damaged their relationship with my wife, so be careful how you approach this.

 

At the end of the day, you seem to care about your nephew -- and he seems to need a good male role model. Just remember you are the adult in the relationship, and you should be able to be more flexible and patience with your nephew's issues, than he is with your issues. Be a consistent and stable part of his life, and start out small. I have a special needs daughter, and if I have learned one thing, is that being a part of a child's life, is a lifetime commitment, and patience is the greatest asset you can stockpile.

 

For example -- maybe give him rubber gloves or something when he pees, so at least initially he isn't peeing on the floor. Make sure when you buy him treats, you buy him ones with sticks so his fingers don't get messy -- after all -- sharing a treat with you happily, and not peeing on the floor is what it is all about -- it's not about facilitating his phobias but rather the more positive experiences you and he share, the more he will trust you to help him get over his hurdles. Build some trust and be really patient.

 

I really have a soft spot in my heart for little dudes that do not have a positive male role model. I really applaud your concern, and hope you remain encouraged to be a part of your nephew's life. If you ever need any ideas, or have any ?s, or just need to bounce things around -- do not hesitate to give me a holler.

[Thurston Fluff]

Tough situation I feel for you. It might be prudent to get her some help to start with. It sounds a like she has some phobia's that are controlling her life. If she gets to the point where she understands the way she's living isn't normal or healthy it will help the kid as well.

[Jimbo]

She sounds like a possible case of OCD. But walk carefully in this situation, whatever you do.

[Barbs4339]

My only suggestion is to maybe right her a nice long letter explaining much of what you are seeing from your end. I too have a defensive sister and it can be difficult to talk to a defensive person face to face about something like this. You have a lot of really important concerns and she really needs to realize that she is doing more to hurt this child then help him. Children need to experience things so that they can better be able to learn from their mistakes. If they hurt themselves doing something, they will instinctively learn from that and try not to do it again. Kids get hurt all the time, but children are very resilient. They need to be allowed to learn things for themselves and not be so sheltered. I think a very nicely written, non attacking letter could be a step in the right direction. Just make sure to phrase it that based on what you are seeing, that you have concerns and don't want anything that you are saying to be taken the wrong way because you love your sister and you love her child and want nothing but the best for both of them. Best of luck to you.

[pretendastronaut]

You need to find a way to get your sister to help control her fears and her phobias, and then the issue of telling her how to raise her kid will solve itself.

[Katuluu]

I certainly think their is some cause to be concerned, but I have to lean more towards FTJ's general take. Try to be as stabilizing a presence as possible for your nephew, and realize that he is only seven years old with almost zero male guidance in his life.

[GAME05]

yeah, i'd hate to think if you said something that she would twist to be harmful and not helpful that she'd start to shelter the nephew from you instead of being the one source of rationality as you are now.

[TooLiveBrew]

-- after all -- sharing a treat with you happily, and not peeing on the floor is what it is all about --

I'm not making light of the situation, or FTJ's thoughtful and well-informed advice, but this made me laugh pretty hard. Taken out of context, I think it is most likely my new life motto.

I think whether or not you talk to your sis yourself depends on how you know (bc, come on, you do have a pretty solid idea of how it'd play out) she'll take it. If she's an objective, open, and honest listener, then I think you can really help here. If she's more self-centered - not meaning maliciously, but sort of unable to hear criticism of what she feels is the 'right way' - and subjective, then I'd imagine it wouldn't go very well.

 

I really like the advice you got to use a go-between like your mother (if she's still there) - who obviously did a pretty darn good job raising at least one male http://static.yuku.com//domainskins/bypass/img/smileys/wink.gif. Since you sis's perspective on you giving advice may be, 'well, you're not a woman trying to raise a man...', it would be great to have a shared perspective on which for her to lean.

 

All in all, I'm very much the 'let's talk & be honest & open' type -- I much prefer to work something out than just pretend it'll go away. I would be like you here, I guess, wanting to counsel my sis on what I see turning into very serious socialization (or anti-soc.) problems for her young man, whom she very clearly cherishes.

 

I think the biggest red flags to me are the crying over having dirty hands, the 'can't touch my wee-wee' rule (which, no offense, is just plain horrible - probably the biggest one to me, since he's setting up to forever have the image that his sexuality is 'dirty' & 'gross', that his penis is something to not be touched http://static.yuku.com//domainskins/bypass/img/smileys/frown.gif), and the general lack of social interaction or comfort therein. All of these, to me, are very serious because they may only continue to get worse & have bigger ramifications as he grows.

 

While your sister's intentions are no doubt the purest of pure, there is so much more to be said for letting a young kid (of either gender) get their hands dirty - literally & figuratively - to learn & grow on his & her own. I know one of my uncles took that approach with his two boys, who were absolute terrors as toddlers & preschoolers, but are both maturing into calm, confident, and intelligent young men. When they'd fall & 'hurt' themselves, my uncle's response was always, "You're alright!", and the boys, when young, always were - and continue to be. Best of luck with a tricky situation, but your heart's in the right place!

[brettac1]

From my experience (and I have zero experience as a father/role model, or even big brother to a little brother), kids that live a sheltered life like that tend to be the ones that run into the most trouble once they hit the real world. They are suddenly overloaded with things that they have never experienced when they were younger, that most kids would have been checking out since high school. So then they start partying, etc. - stuff that most of us get out of our system in high school/college. This typically happened with kids that were home schooled, or went to a small private school until high school.

[danzig6767]

Thanks for all the responces first of all.To answer a few things

 

1.My mother has tried saying things to my sister,but as i said,my sister is very headstrong and feels she is raising her son how everyone should raise their kids.Plus,my mom and sister are very close and my mom fears wrecking their relationship because my sister can get defensive about this stuff and hold a grudge.My mom made suggestions in the past,when they were ignored,my mom gave up for the most part.

 

2.As for me,i haven't shut up fully.To be honest,my sister needs what i and my daughter provides in terms of babysitting.She doesn't have the money to pay one and she knows i love my nephew and would never harm him,that trust is vital to her.So she puts up with knowing that when she isn't around,i do things with my nephew or let him do things she never would.Unlike my mother though,i'm not really afraid of offending my sister,but i know i wouldn't have wanted someone continually harping on me about how to raise my daughter.I basically would have said mind your own business.So i'm conflicted given i've already in multiple instances while at events/gatherings told her to lighten up.

 

3.The situation of my nephew not holding his thang while peeing and thus often missing the mark isn't at my sisters directive.It's just that my sisters clean freak/germ phobia stuff has already ingrained itself into my nephews brain,he chose on his own not to hold himself and my sister never demanded that he did.The kid panics if a popsicle starts to melt on his fingers,he'll throw the rest out and go wash his hands right away.

 

 

In the end,i just love the guy and he's really a nice well mannered kid.I simply feel bad that my sister is turning him into an overly sheltered clean freak wuss.Where i live there are alot of kids that i see running around or biking around together having fun during summer,i know my nephew never gets to take part in any of that stuff except for fairly rare cases like gathering/events with other kids or once in awhile if she visits her friend who has a son.Plus,even at these gathering/events,my sister almost always hovers over my nephew constantly telling him to be careful,stop doing this or that,or pulling him away if she feels things are tough rough,even though it's just kids playing.If he falls and say scrapes a knee,that's it,play time is over.

 

I've thought of having some long talk with her,but she so strongly believes this stuff because of things she read or seen,i'm guessing she'll just resent my butting in thinking i'm saying she's a poor mother and pretty much ignore my views anyways.My one hope is that my nephews struggles in school are starting to open her eyes,the teachers have told my sister that he has problems focusing while surrounded by other kids.

[TooLiveBrew]

Sad to hear about the troubles focusing at school. That, coupled with his self-imposed/mother-ingrained perception of his thang should be enough of a red flag about how things are progressing, I'd hope. It sounds like you & your family is very aware of this growing issue; hopefully your sister will see what's going on here. http://static.yuku.com//domainskins/bypass/img/smileys/frown.gif

[PlayerHader]

I'm really surprised with how many people on here felt that her actions seemed pretty reasonable.

 

The kid needs to get out and interact. Without knowing more about you or your sister it is hard to say how much you can intercede. You seem to be doing a good job of introducing something of a "normal" (as I see it I guess) childhood to your nephew. It's very good that you are some sort of "masculine influence" in his life, also.

[Jaylyn]

danzig, you should be applauded for having such concern for the little guy. It would be too easy to just look the other way on this one. Brettac is 100% right, there might be problems for him down the road unless someone steps up and helps him grow. Does he have any interest in sports? I've coached LL baseball five years now, and I can't count how many children I've seen go from shy and timid personalities to outgoing and confident individuals. I don't envy your position, but your doing the right thing.

[JenksFan5]

Man that is a tough situation to be in danzig. Can't say that I envy your position, but something definitely needs to be done to give the kid some sense of a normal childhood. I feel really bad for him because he is missing out on a lot of the joys of childhood by running around with other kids and getting dirty, not too mention the long-term social ramifications that this could have on his development.

 

One of the most fun things I did as a youth was spearing/netting suckers in the creek just outside my village growing up. For those non-outdoor enthusiasts, a sucker is a rough fish that swim up shallow creeks in spring in order to spawn. It was probably one of the more "dangerous" activities I could participate in. We carried sharp spears while riding a bike to the creek, then plunged knee deep into 45 degree water while running and spearing these elusive fish. We navigated rocks, barb-wired/electric fences and probably hurt ourselves dozens of times, but it was so fun. Obviously, there was a chance we could get hurt, if not an almost certainty that we would get scrapes and bruises, but I will forever remember it and will have my kids do the same.

 

I guess what I am saying is that there is always a risk in most things you do as a child, but that does not mean you should be sheltered from doing them. Even organized youth sports carry a high risk of injury, but it is very imortant for their development, both physically and emotionally.

 

Do what you can to remain a positive influence in your nephew's life and continue to gradually expose him to new things and hopefully your sister will see that he is able to play well with other kids and there is no harm in letting a kid get dirty or bumped or bruised.