Achieve Nedvana! In 32 easy steps!

[Bring Back the Stein]

There has been much wailing and gnashing of teeth and accelerated male-pattern baldness now that our Brewers' season is tracking the arc of that new Nicole Kidman movie. Enough suffering! I want to offer each of you the chance for spiritual benightedness that I achieved about the time Chris Duncan's double blooped into play at St. Louis last month. I did it with the help of a stinky hippy friend just back from the Peace Corps in Mali. Up to that point of the season, I wanted to punch him in the mouth whenever he shooshed me for wondering why Craig Counsell was leading off, quoting some tribal gibberish about accepting fate and blah, blah, blah, snore.

 

But then I achieved Nedvana, and when Pujols plated Duncan that day and the loss was on after having a six-run lead, I knew that I was going to be absolutely miserable for the rest of the season, but with a smile on my face.

 

What is Nedvana?

 

"Nedvana" is the Sanskrit word which means, literally, "The point when Cordero's slider ceases to fool opposing batters." It is the state of perfect peace unobstructed by tailgating plans for a playoff run or any hope that Suppan will turn it around and punctuated by an understanding of the bizarre Stalinist phrases from Ned Yost: "A real leader emerged from that machete fight in the shower room: I'm counting on Gabe to be a real presence from now on, what with him missing three fingers and all....We learned a lot when our team bus burst into flames on the interstate right by that Indian burial ground. Our bar has just been so high when it comes to air-conditioned coach travel."

 

In short, Nedvana is blissful ignorance in pursuit of...blissful ignorance. It is looking forward to the smorgasbord offerings after the funeral Mass of your only child. It is coming to grips with the fact that your beer gut is never going to get any smaller, and neither is your wife's. It is being able to watch as every pillar of the Brewers' previous success becomes undone, from the promise of Capuano and Billy Hall to situational strikeouts by Braun and Fielder to heretofore unknown pitches whanged in there by Linebrink and Wise.

 

What steps to take to achieve Nedvana?

There are 32, I'm guessing, and, since my lunch hour is over, I'll leave you with this one:

1. The Vargas Position. It's the meditative posture standard to achieving Nedvana. It approximates sitting on the toilet with head in hands, as after a colon-rending night of Schlitz followed by a midnight run to Jalisco's.

 

Feel free to add your own points on the path to spiritual numbness. We've get more than a month of this crap left. I think I can say crap, can't I?

[TauPentaRei]

hmmmm, intriguing program. when are the NA meetings held and is there free coffee?

 

2. Satisfaction in knowing you got as far as you did while faking your abilities (something we all can professionally relate to I assume). Batman needs Robin... and Ned, there is nothing wrong with being Robin. I'm sure Bobby would invite you back to flap runners around third base and/or pitch BP. Sometimes you just don't have the stuff to be head honcho. And that goes for you too Terry Stotts.

 

This step is achieved by walking hurriedly somewhere with a grimaced look on your face, thereby convincing co-workers/on-lookers you must be up to something very important, ending up where you started and then crossing your arms.

 

can Kremblas be part of the September call-ups while Ned is put on indefinite bereavement for the loss of his hypothetical goldfish?

[don1481]

3. Never second-guessing your gut feelings because hey - you did the best you could with what your gut was saying. It's not your fault that the other team yet again got lucky and somehow won the game. You know that your gut has never been the cause of any losses; nay, the only shortcomings were those by your players when they couldn't properly execute what your gut wanted them to do.

 

The cause of this is Peter Brown Innundation Syndrome: A rare condition caused by listening to a clueless sports radio personality blather endlessly for hours on end about how statheads are always wrong and that Wayne Franklin is more of a winner than Ben Sheets. The solution? Read more Brewerfan.net.

[Nearsighted Views]

4. Understand the foundation of "Stay the courseality" Tune out the fact that your world is crumbling around you faster than an average journeyman pitcher is mowing down your batters. Stare blankly as your team makes 14 errors in one play. For you have reached Nedvana and know that "good teams go through this." and understand that it is all part of the master plan.

 

Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh Uuuuuuummmmmmmmmmm

[lukevan]

5. Appreciate the value of "gritty battling-iness." Stick with players with over 6 years of MLB service time (the set time when players acquire the "gritty battler" label), until they are decidedly slumping. Even though a player with over 6 years service time may not actually have any grit or battle in him, we refer to these players in times of need, like when wondering where to buy the best beard trimmer or how to re-shingle our roof.

 

The next time the bartender brings you a tall one, thank him for his hustle and stick-to-it-iveness.

[JJHardy7]

6. Don't be shy...be yourself. Be articulate and keep face in front of the media. Say such things regarding struggling pitchers (such as Capuano), "I am not stupid. I know that for a fact."

[Hammer]

7. Falling in love with Carlos Villanueva does help you achieve Nedvana! He is a good pitcher and that, but his silky smooth delivery should not hypnotize you!

[lukevan]

8. Take subtle credit for winning using pronouns. Upon winning a couple games in a row, reveal that it is now "my" offense and "my" pitching that has come around, even though during your most recent cold streak, you never referred to the offense or pitching as yours.

 

To apply this strategy, for instance, when your wife does something good for you, refer to her as "my wife." At other, less dazzling moments, refer to her as "that woman that lives with me." When she calls you out on this, explain to her that "we're all in this together, and to tell you the truth, [you're] not the only one who can throw a fit."

[GenoSeligPrieb]

9. My step toward peaceful Nedvana comes as I repeat these simple life mantras in the face of every blown 5-run lead:

 

"We're doing better than we were last season!!...........If you would have told us in Spring Training that we'd be in a pennant race in late August, I would have been thrilled!!........We're leading in wins-per-payroll-dollar-spent........Our nuggets have great MLB-Equivalent stats......we're still in first place!!.......and my favorite, "Hey, 2008 is REALLY The Year, anyway!!"