Off-day? Simpsons!

[TheBwaz]

My EYES! The goggles do nothing!

 

Homer: $20?! I wanted a peanut!

Homer's Brain: $20 can buy many peanuts.

Homer: Explain how!

Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.

Homer: WOO-HOO!

 

Best non verbal sequence: Homer practicing for Whacking Day in his backyard.

[razzzorsharp]

Homer: I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman.

[razzzorsharp]

Mr. Burns: I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there's too many fat children.

[jwill535]

Homer "save me Jeebus"

-

Homer " Just because i dont care doesnt mean i am not listening"

-

Homer " There, there shut up stupid" (patting Bart or Lisa on the head)

-

Burns "oooooo the Germans are mad at me, look out for the Germans, help me Smithers, dont let the Germans get me."

-

(homer babysitting the kids, signing the swear song)

 

Homer - if your happy and you know it say a swear...... Ralph "Mittens"

-

Ralph - "my cats breath smells like cat food"

-

Ralph - "the doctor said i would get as many nosebleeds if i didnt put my finger in there so much."

[valpocrewsader]

Homer: You don't win friends with salad.

[homer]

Rod: Each leap brings us closer to God!

Todd: Catch me Lord! Catch me!

Rod: Weeeee!

(crash)

Todd: What did we do to make God angry?

Rod: You did it!

[GAME05]

Owner: Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse!

Homer: [worried] Ooooh, that's bad.

Owner: But it comes with a free Frogurt!

Homer: [relieved] That's good.

Owner: The Frogurt is also cursed.

Homer: [worried] That's bad.

Owner: But you get your choice of topping!

Homer: [relieved] That's good.

Owner: The toppings contains Potassium Benzoate.

Homer: [stares]

Owner: That's bad.

[jwill535]

Apu - "Mr. Simpson get out of my store right now .....and please Come Again!"

[funkyplaidcoat]

albeit a tired line:

 

McGwire: Young Bart here is right. We are spying on you, pretty much around the clock.

Bart: But why, Mr. McGwire?

McGwire: Do you want to know the terrifying truth, or do you want to see me sock a few dingers?

Crowd: Dingers! Dingers!

[GAME05]

yes sir, no sir, ok, maybe, hot dog.

[GAME05]

ah, holy waffle.....sacrilicious.

[Fatter than Joey]

Try and top this....

[hawing]

Hawing this is bad very bad, thanks for helping me not work the rest of today.

 

Sorry. But is this thread making anyone smile while on bf.net, for a change? If so, I've done my job.

 

Originally I just needed to get the line "Why must life be so hard!..." out of my head. But here's one of my all time favorites:

 

(Bleeding Gums Murphy on "The Cosby Show")

Cliff: Hey kids! Meet Grandpa Murphy!

Rudy: But we have three grandpas already.

Cliff: This one's a great jazz musician.

Rudy: Oh, they all are.

Cliff: Oh, oh, you see, the kids, they listen to the rap music, which gives them the brain damage. With their hippin' and the hoppin' and the bippin' and the boppin', so they don't KNOW, what the JAZZ, is all about! You see, jazz is like the Jell-O Pudding Pop. No, actually, it's more like Kodak film. No, actually, jazz is like the New Coke - it'll be around forever. Heh heh heh.

[hawing]

Dancing away my hunger pangs

Moving my feet so my stomach won't hurt

I'm kind of like Jesus

But not in a sacrilegious way.

(Hungry Hungry Homer)

[7rebmun]

Homer: . . . and that talking cyote was just that talking dog over there.

Dog: Hiya Homer!

Homer: Wait, there's no such thing as a talking dog.

Dog: *BARK*

Homer: Damn straight!

[Bumblebee Nickels]

From my favorite episode:

 

Mr. Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.

Homer: [thinking] Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?

Mr. Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

Homer: [thinking] Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me?

Mr. Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?

Homer: [thinking] My God. He *is* coming onto me.

Mr. Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows.

[chuckle]

Mr. Burns: [wink]

Homer: [thinking] Aaaaaagh!

[aloud]

Homer: Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no.

 

 

Grampa: We can't bust heads like we used to. But we have our ways. One trick is to tell stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for m'shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt. Which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Gimme five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now where was I... oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. You couldn't get white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...

[burnzy24]

Lionel Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly" and replace "dog" with "son."

 

Chief Wiggum: Can't you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can't be policing the entire city!

 

Grandpa: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.

 

Homer: How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

[dikapalooza]

Moe taking a lie detector test:

 

Good, cause I got a hot date tonight.

BUZZ!

A date.

BUZZ!

Dinner with friends.

BUZZ!

Dinner alone.

BUZZ!

Watching TV alone.

BUZZ!

Alright, alright. I'm gonna sit at home and ogle the girls in the Victoria's Secret catalog.

BUZZ!

Sears catalog.

DING DING!

Now would you unhook me from this thing already? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment.

BUZZ!

[razzzorsharp]

"The Half-Assed Approach to Foundation Repair" --

 

Troy McClure: Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such instructional videos as 'Mothballing Your Battleship,' and 'Dig Your Own Grave and Save!' Now over the next six hours I'll be taking you through the 'dos' and 'do not dos' of foundation repair. Ready?

Homer: [to TV] Ready!

Troy: First, patch the cracks in the slab using a latex patching compound and a patching trowel.

Homer: [to Bart] Hand me my patching trowel, boy.

[bart shrugs and hands him nothing]

Homer: Hmm...

Troy: Now, do you have extruded poly-vinyl foam insulation?

Homer: [to TV] No.

Troy: Good! Assemble the aluminum J-channel using self-burring screws. Install!

Homer: What do I do for-

Troy: After applying brushable coating to the panels,

Homer: Wait a minute-

Troy: You'll need some corrosion resistant metal stucco lath.

Homer: Wait a minute!

Troy: If you can't find metal stucco lath,

Homer: Uh-huh? [encouraged]

Troy: Use carbon-fiber stucco lath!

Homer: D-oh!

Troy: Now parge the lath!

[NeedMoreFans]

Now that I am at work, let the time wasting begin!!!

 

greasy teen: That man ate all our shrimp, and 2 plastic lobsters!

Captain McCallister: 'Tis no man, 'tis a remorseless eating machine, argh!

 

 

Fireman: Homer, I don't know how to tell you this, but we're going to have to cut your arms off.

Homer: They'll grow back right?

Fireman: Homer, are you just holding on to the candy?

Homer: Your point being?

 

 

Homer singing: I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t, I mean s-m-a-r-t.

 

Homer singing: I am the champions, I am the champions, of the world.

[lukevan]

See my sig (and avatar)!

 

Conan O'Brien: Sit perfectly still. Only I may dance.

-

Homer: Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in everyday and do it really half-assed. That's the American way!

-

Aussie: That's not a knife, THIS, is a knife.

 

Bart: That's not a knife, that's a spoon.

 

Aussie: Alright, alright, you win. I see you've played knifey-spoony before!

-

[Crazyk1294]

Mr. Burns: Use an open-faced club! A sand wedge!

Homer: Mmmmm...Open-faced club sandwhich.

[NeedMoreFans]

Hi everybody! You have reached 1-800-DOCTORB, the B is for bargain! Bye Everybody!

[thebruce44]

Homer: "Public transportation is for jerks and lesbians."

[IslandsAC]

Homer to his pet lobster:

 

See ... together we weigh 300 lbs. According to my driver's licence, I weigh 130 lbs. That means you weigh ... ... 460 lbs. Oh! good!