Article: The Curious Case of Ernest (Earnest?) Riles

[Sean Franken]

It’s time for an investigation. It’s time for answers. For years, the world has wondered. It’s been debated at family gatherings. It’s caused family members to take sides. I’m here to provide answers to this question that’s been plaguing society. How do you spell Ernest Riles’ first name? 

 

Let’s refresh the memory of those who don’t remember or perhaps may not have been alive. That’s what I do. If I don’t keep the memory of obscure former Brewers alive, who the hell will? 

Ernest Riles made his Major League debut for the Brewers in 1985 and had a solid rookie campaign, hitting .286 in 116 games for the Crew. He finished third in the American League Rookie of the Year voting, behind Ozzie Guillen & Brewers teammate Teddy Higuera. In 1988, Riles was traded to the San Francisco Giants for Jeffrey Leonard. He did appear in the 1989 World Series for the Giants. He went on to play for the A’s, Astros, and Red Sox before his career ended in 1993.

So what is the mystery surrounding Riles, you ask? Admit it; you’re all asking at this point. Well, here it is: For years, I’ve been wondering (along with the rest of the world) how exactly Ernest Riles spells his first name. Like Daniel Kaffee said in “A Few Good Men,” “I want the truth!” On the other hand, will I be able to handle the truth, as Col. Nathan Jessup said? Will any of us? 

In going through old baseball cards, Riles has his first name displayed in a few different ways. Ernest, Earnest, Ernie, and Earnie. Topps, Fleer, and Donruss were all guilty. The name was not spelled consistently. I set out to find the truth. Was I scared? Yes. This search was going to likely take me to the deepest places of the dark web. I knew I had to do it, though. I’m no hero. I just wanted to get to the bottom of this.

I looked at samples of Riles’ autograph. This proved to be a dead end. The signature was as sloppy as mine. Sadly I was unable to secure the services of the “Pawn Stars” autograph expert. Next, I decided to look at one of the most trustworthy sources on the internet, Wikipedia. There, his name is listed as Ernest. I then went to Baseball Reference. It was the same thing there, Ernie, no “a.” I was getting close to solving the mystery.

There was one sure way to do so, contact Riles himself. Then I thought, what if I called or emailed him to ask him how he spelled his first name? He’d likely dismiss me. Plus, I had no phone number or email address, making it tough to reach out. In the end, I decided to go with the highly trustworthy Wikipedia and Baseball Reference. It is indeed Ernest or Ernie. We can all rest easy. A seemingly unanswerable question had been answered.

I’ll leave you with this. In a no way substantiated, ridiculous, likely made-up fact, WWF/WWE stars the Undertaker & Paul Bearer were huge Brewers fans, so much so that they gave the urn they carried around a name. You know, that urn that gave the Undertaker his powers? What was the name, you ask? Urnest Riles.

 

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