Serious Questions - Help if possible?

[gbpacker40]

This may be a little to extreme for some here, but I have seen some excellent advice over the years here and seeming as I have no idea what to do with the situation I'm about to explain. Hopefully I can get some advice that can point me in the right direction, maybe someone with a similar experience can give me some helpful ideas, anything really.

 

I have been seeing this girl for the last year and some months, she has 2 beautiful kids (one 7 year old son and one 3 year old daughter) and I have an 11 year old daughter myself. Ok, this is really hard to explain but I will try anyways. Me and the girl have an amazing time together, we rarely if ever argue, we both have "similar" beliefs in how kids should be raised, we enjoy a lot of the same activities, all that lovey dovey stuff. Our relationship between each other is great, and the relationship between my daughter and her is great as well. My current girlfriend and my ex even get along, have met several times and we even went to my daughters mothers birthday party together. What I am getting at in explaining my daughters mom here is that we have a great relationship, we can put our differences aside and work together for what's best for our daughter and remain really good friends.

 

Now on the other hand my current girlfriend's ex, lets call Jim, does not have that same thought process. Jim does not work, has not worked in over 3 years, he smokes weed everyday and lives off of the state in every way possible including using the kids for his own personal living habits. Jim has had physical placement of the kids the last couple years, with joint custody through the courts, meaning he has the majority control over their kids the past few years even though they had a mutual agreement of when she would see the kids. While technically they should have equal say, he held all the cards on when she could see the kids and if he didn't want her to see them, he had the ability to withhold them from her if he chose to do so. Over the time we have been dating my gf has withstood him pretty much doing exactly that, telling her when she can see them, when she cant, regardless to what was agreed upon, he was holding the kids over her head for money, when he wanted an argument in his life he wouldn't let her see them, etc.

 

Every couple weeks Jim would hold the kids and start a random argument over anything he possibly could, their old relationship, anything she did wrong in her life he would hold over her head and generally make her feel so completely useless that she would be balling for days. To be honest my gf is no angel in her past, she did things she regrets dearly, but none of it was ever harmful to their children. Because she did things she regretted she has a very low self esteem. So every time he held the kids, I would tell her lets get a lawyer and get them back to you, I offered to pay everything, this happened for about the 1st 9 months. Every two weeks like clockwork, Jim would say stuff to her and withold the kids time and time again. It was really difficult to see my gf like this and I did all I could do and that was offer her my shoulder and offer her my opinion on getting the kids so she doesn't have to deal with this emotional hurt time and time again.

Now Jim is not exactly what I would call father of the year material, like I said above he has no job, doesn't search for work, smokes weed, lives off our taxpayer money and has a girlfriend of his own with children from previous relationships that he does not allow to come over (Why a woman would stay with a guy that doesnt allow the woman's children over is beyond me).

 

Now explaining my gf's kids behavior is probably essential to this in some aspect so I will try to fill you in on some details about them. The 7 year old is rambunctious, very smart kid, but his father never sent him to kindergarten with the excuse that he didn't need to go legally til he was 6, which is true, but nonetheless. He should've started 1st grade last September and didn't enroll until after his mother had to jump through hoops to get him enrolled herself in November, already months behind. Now this year he has missed 16 days of a possible 35 in second grade. His personality is pretty wild, he is very intelligent when it comes to science and animals yet on the other hand nothing is ever good enough for him (buy him a toy and it breaks its cheap, give him a apple and he wants it a specific color, give him Lucky Charms and he wants Cheerios and so on), he constantly ignores authority and backtalks frequently, throws massive temper tantrums and fits anytime he hears something that he doesn't want to hear, only wants to play video games or watch science channel and CONSTANTLY complains about boredom. He is on pills for ADHD (which I strongly disagree with).

On the other hand the 3 year old is almost polar opposite, she listens for the most part, finds ways to occupy her time and while she does throw tantrums and can be difficult at times, I think she is pretty typical for a 3 year in terms of personality/attitude and a lot of her tantrums are almost identical to her older brothers in that I think she is just mimicking him.

 

I know this is long, but just bear with me here.

 

When her kids did come over, away from their dad, they adjusted over time and became less and less wild the longer they were with us. They listened better after 3 days with us, than the 1st day, they slept at the correct times, ate better, etc. They mellowed out a bit is probably a better way to put it. Now here is were everything turns from not normal to strange. My gfs 3 year old is not potty trained, at all. We tried and tried and tried, getting her out of diapers, we only put her in underwear every time she came over, and by the time she went back to her dads she was doing amazing, she wouldn't "tell" us every time she had to go potty, but if we asked she generally would let us know. Which is progress in my eyes. Well we would send the kids back to their dads and the next time we got them, she would be in a diaper and we would have to start over, time and time again. Now on top of the inability to help us potty train her, she would come back extremely red in her privates, to the point she has had 2 possibly 3 UTI (urinary tract infections) that I can remember, in the last year alone(again I have a 11 year old and never once had this problem with her). My gf took her to the Dr. a few months back and even asked about the possibility of sexual abuse and all the Dr. said was you have to bring her over as soon as you get her back from there and she is red, which would be great if about after a week that she took her to the doctor......

 

My gf and I took my daughter and my niece to Fright Fest. We figured her kids were probably to young to go and we don't have a car that could fit 2 adults and 4 kids. When we went this was not a time that my gf was suppose to have her kids. Well we get back and my gf posts a facebook message about how much fun we had and [expletive deleted] hit the fan. He went off on her, for the last time. And this goes from strange to completely bizarre. She talked to her son (after Fright Fest but before his father went off on my gf) and he was super excited to come over the upcoming weekend so we could play some PS3 together and have fun together. Jim told her she would never see her kids again, that their son went to him and told him I was hitting them, yet was irate that we didn't take their kids to Fright Fest.

 

She tried for the next couple days calling him, imagining that maybe he was just doing his normal thing and trying to make her feel like [expletive deleted] and eventually he blocked all our numbers. That was that, I told her this is enough and she needs to stand up and get her kids back. I also told her we need to go to the police and explain the situation, see what we could do and explain that he was also accusing me of hitting the kids. I at least wanted it on record that I was there, because in all honesty that's a serious charge, and its all I could think of short of getting a lawyer for myself. The police told us there was nothing they could do.

 

Well after the police we went and got her a family lawyer, he set up a court date to get the kids back and sure enough she has the kids in her possession as of this past Friday after approx. 5 weeks of not seeing them, the father did not show up to court so it was default in her favor. Well now we actually have to get the kids back from the father, so we went to her sons school, talked with the principal and a police officer. We had the police go over to Jims house and get the 3 year old, who again was filthy and had a huge bruise on her forehead. The gf asked how she got it and she said I hit her, (which obviously isn't true because I haven't seen her in 5-6 weeks). After asking her a few more times she said her mommy hit her, which again isn't possible. We kind of got extremely confused by this all but in the moment of happiness we brushed it aside and went to pick up her son from school, who was allowed to stay at school so he wouldn't have to see the police go by his dad and possibly arrest him. He sees his mom and was afraid to talk to her thinking his dad would be mad and she explains to him that its ok and he sees me in the car waiting, I could tell right away he got nervous. When he got in the car he asked me not to yell at him and asked me to never hit him, which set off this permanent alarm in my head that hasn't gone away yet. I asked him why he would think I would hit him and his explanation was very vague like he was to scared to say anything. Instead of badgering him and putting more emotional stress on him at this time we kind of stopped asking him questions.

 

Ongoing, we bring them back to my house for the weekend and we start to potty train her daughter again, and the 1st time we take her in to the bathroom she covers her ears and says "don't yell at me please". She has now been doing this constantly and even when we lay her down for bed or make a fast movement around her she jumps back and cowers like we are going to hit her, and says exactly that, "please don't hit me, please don't yell at me". This sketchiness which is the best way I can describe it has never happened before, I noticed it, she noticed it, her sister noticed it. Now my gf just went back home a few hours ago and she takes her to the bathroom and notices that her daughter again, 3 years old, probably has a yeast infection.

 

This is getting terribly bizarre for me and I dont want to put my daughter or me in a situation that will harm our lives, but on the other hand I love my gf and her kids very much and I cant abandon her, she needs my support now more than ever. I imagine the father or the fathers gf was hitting them, or were mentally placing it in their head that we were hitting them. But on top of that, I honest to god believe some sort of sexual abuse is going on as well, but I have no way of proving that. I know this is not going to end anytime soon, because the kids father has already said, "enjoy your temporary time with your kids" so I cant help but think he is devising this little scheme or fabrication in his head. He has nothing to lose at this moment, he lost his kids, he will lose his state benefits and he will lose his house, all that was giving to him because he had control of the kids.

 

I honestly don't think the kids should go back to the see him for some time and if they do, they should be supervised visits, but the court ruled that he gets them every other weekend and one of those weekends is this one coming up after Thanksgiving. I'm afraid for the kids, I'm afraid for my life(not physically) and I am afraid that this is going to get worse, and I believe it will all start to become absurd the day he gets those kids back on the weekend. Can anyone point me in a direction for help, give me advice, anything would help really, I am truly lost as what to do?

[jjkoestler]

That sounds like a horrible situation. I feel for you man. This is going to sound cold, but you need to get the hell out of there as quickly as possible. You cannot fix the situation and you have an obligation to keep your daughter in a safe and healthy environment.

[TracyThom]

Have you contacted your county's human services division. They need to know what is going on. Hopefully they will open an investigation and custody can be taken away from the dad. However, until that time, you have to follow the court's order. Interfering with a child custody agreement is a crime. When it is the kids' turn to go see their father, they have to go unless there are exigent circumstances. (Dad is drunk, out of control, etc. Even in that case, the police need to be involved.)

 

Additionally, the police cannot take reports just to "get them on file" or to "get something on record." The officer taking the report has no idea if you are telling the truth, so a report will not be done just to document an action.

 

Finally, UTIs and yeast infections do not automatically equal sexual abuse. I understand you have your suspicions, but be careful about making accusations. Hopefully you can get human services involved and the kids can be placed in a better situation.

[greeg35]

There's a lot here that is out of your control. You are dealing with major issues that someone 3 or 4 degrees away from you has. I understand that you enjoy the direct relationship you are in; but all this is an indirect part of that same relationship. To protect your family from getting dragged into this mess I think you'll have to draw some pretty strong boundaries for your gf as far as how much contact you and your daughter have with her family, discuss/explain explicitly why you are drawing those boundaries, and let her know that if things don't change then the relationship will have to end.

Its harsh; but as someone stated before, there is no way for you to have a direct effect on what's happening over there without getting yourself and your daughter involved.

[Invader3K]

I agree with greeg that you have to start drawing some pretty strong boundaries. You girlfriend let this situation get way out of control and probably should have sought legal action much sooner than she did.

[dadofandrew]

As said above, run. Run far, run fast, run like Mexican water through a first time tourist. Your priority has to be your daughter and your own sanity. Your gf may be a fine lady, but until she agrees her ex is a horrible person and puts her foot down, her life, and anyone she touches, is going to be hell.

 

You need to have a diary of this idiot breaking the rules in their custody fight, and have it documented by the police, social workers, whoever. Does he any drug convictions? He should not have any custody if he is using illegal drugs and can't get his kids to school. Kids need discipline, and they're going to be in juvi by the time they're 14 with only a partial parent (no offense to your gf, as she barely has them, they have 1 parent half the time, that's 0.5, and kids should have 2, plus others that care about them). Half the kids in my son's gifted/talented class are "nutty" (I often say eccentric), just like you described, and are often the kid with behavioral issues, as they are bored, different, and so on. Your gf's son might fit in perfectly if he'd actually get to school and learn how to behave, but he's never going to learn that in a house with a druggie parent half the time. I'd file a police report as to the possible sexual abuse and get a full check-up, physical and psych, ASAP.

[RockCoCougars]

I'll echo the 'run don't walk' advice. Though it seems harsh, I have seen friends involved with situations fairly similar to this, though not as extreme, but things generally turn ugly pretty fast. If you choose to stick it out you will most likely be in a world of hurt for the next several years. The longer that you stay, the deeper you will get pulled in. If you do stay, plan to open yourself up to future heartaches- also plan to open up your wallet, because this situation will cost you major coin