personal situation - advice needed

[Bench Coach]

Ok tough situation here and I need some outside perspective. For years my parents have been talking about taking my kids, my wife and I to Florida/Disney. They have been very excited about doing this, and so have my kids. They were looking forward to sharing the experience with my kids as my mom has never flown before or obviously been to Disney. They wanted to experience it through my kids eyes. They have been holding off on scheduling anything because my Mom's knee has been getting bad and she will be having it replaced in August/September and wanted to get through the surgery and see what she felt like after.

 

About 2 weeks ago, My wife's Grandmother passed away. Then about a week ago my father in law tells my wife that he has been thinking or taking the whole family (us, brother in law and girlfriend, sister in law/husband/3 kids) to Disney for years and, with the passing of his mom, decided time is too short and wants to do it Early next year. He had no idea my parents had been talking about taking us, but now my parents are hurt because they wanted to experience this with my kids. They wanted to take them because they hadn't been there and if we go with my wife's dad, my parents likely wont be taking us because the kids have already experienced this. Plus they had been making a big deal about this to my kids and now someone else will take them first.

 

This is causing a lot of tension in the house because my wife thinks my parents are being selfish. She has tried to think of compromises like saving Magic Kingdom for when we go with my parents, but my parents have said they likely will not take us since we will have already been there. Is she right? are they selfish? Maybe, but if hurts me that she cant even see their point. They have been looking forward to this for years and it would have at least been nice to tell her dad "hey my mom and dad have been talking about taking us for awhile, let me see when they were planning on going to make sure there are no conflicts.": In fact, something that simple may have made the situation easier, because now it's like we are picking her family over my own. Mind you we already spend more time with my wifes family and have already gone on a vacation with my wife's family to visit other relative in Louisiana.

 

Am I wrong here? If I am I may actually feel better. I just don't know how I am supposed to enjoy this trip when I will know my parents are miserable at home. Especially when my wife keeps bringing it up.

 

Sorry to get so deep here, but really need some advice. The way we have been fighting about this isn't good and I need some perspective to be sure I am not overreacting or just blindly supporting my mom and dad.

 

If nothing else, thanks for letting me vent.

[pogokat]

I hear ya...

 

 

why dont you suggest going somewhere diffferent to your parents? Disney world really isnt the end all in kids entertainment...little kids can have a blast almost anywhere...and if the whole point is forr the wwhole family to be together and watching the kids have fun, why's it matter if it's disney or not...why not go to the beach, or the grand canyon or something instead...honestly (and this is just my opinion, but i've been practically everywhere in the states) disney isn't close to the most spectacular thing you can see or do...

 

go to washington dc and see all te amazing things there...

[aracko]

Just go with both sides of the family man. It would be a good bonding experience for everyone and your family would likely be closer in the long run.

 

You say 3 kids - well thats perfect cause the kids will bounce from one grandparent to the next. It will be easier on each set of grandparents pocketbook. As far as your moms knee, You just make sure you bring a wheelchair for her. Have her get a cortizone shot (they dont hurt much) and see if her doc can give her some light pain killers.

 

Schedule 1 - 2 days of the vacation where you only spend the day with your parents and your kids and wife. When her parents ask why, you explain your situation and they would be foolish to not understand.

 

The other option is to go to disney land with one family and disney world with the other. That way your kids get to see Cali and Florida.

[DHonks]

I'm shocked to hear you had 4 generations alive. In my family, I'm 26 (single and no kids unfortunately), and my parents are 65/66. My last grandparent died 10 years ago.

 

But seriously, can't you take both sides of the family?

[JoeHova]

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why dont you suggest going somewhere diffferent to your parents?

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I agree that this may be the simplest solution. You could even consider going to Disneyland with one set of parents and Disneyworld with the other set.

 

I also agree with pogo that there are literally thousands of great places you could visit in the US and thousands more abroad.

 

And if both sets of parents are set on the same location, why not just all go together? Do your in-laws not get along with your parents? Why couldn't you all schedule a trip at the same time? It could actualy be more fun for everybody because there would be more people in each age group to hang around with. I don't know what your family situation is like though, so that may not work.

[1992casey]

Aren't the kids going to think it's odd that they've been talking about going with the paternal grandparents for years and and are suddenly going with their maternal grandparents instead? It looks like they're going to learn a lesson in fairness here, but I'm afraid it's going to be the wrong lesson. They're going to see their dad bending over backwards to be fair while knifing his parents' feelings in the process. They're also going going to see their mother making no effort to compromise and help.

 

I like the idea of suggesting another trip to your parents. But the thing that's amiss is that it should actually be your wife actually making that suggestion to her parents.

 

How old are the kids? Washington D.C. sounds like a wonderful option. A family oriented cruise could be a lot of fun, too.

[Bench Coach]

going with both sides unfortunately would not work in the same trip for a variety of reasons.

 

And going somewhere else would be fine with me, but I don't believe it would for my parents or it likely would have come up already. They can be a little stubborn, which is where I get it from. They really had their hearts set on taking them to Disney.

 

I already know what is going to happen. We will go with her father and I will not enjoy it as much as I should knowing my parents are at home hurt that we are on the vacation they had been promising us. They may get over it and take us anyway at some point in the future, but who knows.

 

It turns out when I told my mom about this they were thinking of going early next year as well, but had not brought it up due to the knee surgery. I guess it boils down to this. I don't want anyone to be hurt by this but it seems unlikely that all can be made happy.

[DatHoser]

Tough situation. Hopefully it'll all work out.

 

Maybe go to Disneyland with one family and Disneyworld with the other (FL & CA).

 

Or if neither family wants to go to CA, go to Universal and Sea World.

[Chio151]

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I'm shocked to hear you had 4 generations alive. In my family, I'm 26 (single and no kids unfortunately), and my parents are 65/66. My last grandparent died 10 years ago.

 

But seriously, can't you take both sides of the family?

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Wow, bless your mother for having you at 40.

 

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I think scheduling another trip is the best way to go. The trip was really about having that personal experience with the kids. If you can, find something the kids would be really excited to do and let your parents know. It's not about Disney world as much as it is about having that one thing the kids can identify with their grandparents forever -- a great trip.

[1992casey]

If the kids are old enough, you could always postpone the problem until next June on the basis of not wanting them to miss school. Maybe something will iron itself out by then.

[Barbs4339]

I would suggest going with your parent's first since it means so much to you parents to see the kids and in all fairness, your parent's brought it up first. Go with your parents during spring break time and then go again with your in-laws right when the kids are out of school in June. Provided you can swing the 2 weeks vacation, it seems like a win win for everyone involved and your kids get to spend 2 weeks in Florida.

[Barbs4339]

Also, as was stated in your origninal post, life is too short so there should not be another second wasted fighting about it. Both sets of parents want to do a wonderful thing for you and your family, that should be the main focus. If anything, get everyone together and hash this out before it causes any more problems for anyone involved.

[1992casey]

Barbs, whenever you post, you seem to hit the nail right on the head.

 

There's nothing at all wrong with going twice. As a matter of fact, there's so much to do at Disney World and in the Orlando area, that Bench Coach's family won't possibly to cover everything in one vacation. Not only that, after the first trip, the kids will be itching to return.

[splitterpfj]

Why can't both sides of the family go together? There's no use fighting over an issue like this, the point is, the kids get a trip to Disney, and their grandparents get to share it with them.

 

Do the families get along well? If they do, why not just schedule it for a time when everyone can be there? What's wrong with four grandparents at once? Your kids would own the place.

[pitchleague]

I don't know if they exist anymore, but you could also look into one of those Disney Cruises. It's like Walt Disney World on a boat (from what my folks and brother have talked about). Plus they got to swim with dolphins and some other stuff.

 

Could be another option for one of the sides of the family. Plus, it's unique.

[Fatter than Joey]

Ok tough situation here and I need some outside perspective.

 

I hope I can help -- I get into a lot of these sort of jams, with my parents and inlaws having a less than friendly/considerate relationship.

 

For years my parents have been talking about taking my kids, my wife and I to Florida/Disney.

 

It sounds like your parents had time to pull this trigger -- if your mom's knee was so bad "for years" -- I would hope she would understand the tenuous nature of surgery/recovery, and it could take months for her (not knowing her physical condition), to be able to travel, or get around at Disneyland well.

 

My wife's Grandmother passed away.

 

If your FIL's mom passed away -- I think it is very reasonable for him to want to get his family together and do something with the grandkids/kids. I sure would want to facilitate someone in his time of grief.

 

Plus they had been making a big deal about this to my kids and now someone else will take them first.

 

They probably should have not been talking to the kids about DL, without being sure that they would be able to go in a timely manner, this IMO is entirely their fault.

 

Is she right? are they selfish?

 

From what you described -- I would agree with your wife.

 

Maybe, but if hurts me that she cant even see their point.

 

She probably wants to accommodate your dad in his time of grief, and probably sees your parents situation trivial in comparison -- you had mentioned that your wife has offered compromises, so I think clearly, she can see their point.

 

it would have at least been nice to tell her dad "hey my mom and dad have been talking about taking us for awhile, let me see when they were planning on going to make sure there are no conflicts.

 

This is probably easier said than done -- I know I would have a hard time trying to negotiate something with my dad if he had just lost his mother, I would tend to want to oblige him.

 

I just don't know how I am supposed to enjoy this trip when I will know my parents are miserable at home.

 

I am not sure why your parents should be miserable -- at the end of the day -- your kids are going to have a wonderful time at Disneyland -- your mom has bigger issues ahead of her, with her knee, which may or may not heal in a timely fashion. I would hope your parents would be happy for the kids.

 

The way we have been fighting about this isn't good and I need some perspective to be sure I am not overreacting or just blindly supporting my mom and dad.

 

Generally speaking my philosophy is that I support my wife -- I made a vow to her, and to me, that relationship far outweighs the importance of the relationship with my parents. It is very important to me to respect my parents, but I rarely ever side with them. Your parents have to be 50 or 60 years old -- and should be mature enough to shake this off, and take your family to DL when your mother heals. If they promised to take your kids to DL, then they should keep their promises or keep quiet.

 

It would be a good bonding experience for everyone and your family would likely be closer in the long run.

 

Heh -- This made me chuckle. If my parents and inlaws embarked on this sort of endeavor the only thing that would make them closer would be their incarceration.

 

I'm shocked to hear you had 4 generations alive.

 

When my daughters were born, my wife's great grandmother was still alive -- making 5 generations -- but then she died.

 

Aren't the kids going to think it's odd that they've been talking about going with the paternal grandparents for years and and are suddenly going with their maternal grandparents instead?

 

Grandparents should probably know better than to make promises to kids that are not locked in -- especially if they have been promising over a space of "years".

 

Why can't both sides of the family go together?

 

I am not sure if Coach's family is like mine -- So many of my discussions with my wife start with "Why can't our family (insert lucid/reasonable action)."

 

What's wrong with four grandparents at once?

 

Speaking strictly to my family -- Revelation, four horsemen, apocalyptic events, etc...

 

I hope this helps -- I certainly empathize with you.

[temke]

there has to be a way to get both families to work together and go together...even if they dont get along.

 

just remind them they are doing it for the (grand)kids.

[gypcasino]

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It sounds like your parents had time to pull this trigger -- if your mom's knee was so bad "for years" -- I would hope she would understand the tenuous nature of surgery/recovery, and it could take months for her (not knowing her physical condition), to be able to travel, or get around at Disneyland well.

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My thoughts exactly. I'd be interested in knowing why your mom didn't get this trip organized at an earlier date? Was it just the knee thing? Financial reasons? Wanting the kids to be a certain age? Or was it just laziness (not to sound harsh but I couldn't think of a better word). Because who knows how long after the surgery it would have been until the plan actually came to fruition. "Waiting to see how her knee was" is pretty vague. I can relate to this because my in laws are all about planning things and getting them done and taking my wife & I on vacation and my own parents are all about "if ifs and buts were cake and nuts everyday would be Christmas."

 

So I'd say go to Disney World with the father in law and go somewhere else with your family. Like somebody said Disney isn't the be all end all. I read in one of my Disney World guides that some high percentage of children listed the hotel pool as the best part of their vacation.

[dadofandrew]

Are you going to wait another decade for your folks to decide the time is right? After the knee gets fixed, she'd going to feel like walking all over DL for ages.

 

EDIT: Mixed up my families. I'd say enjoy the trip with your in-laws, and suggest another idea for your folks.

 

Thanks for the correction, Gyp.

[gypcasino]

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BC, you lost me when your wife said your dad was being selfish wanting to take you and your family on a trip. I'd tell your dad thanks and get it scheduled.

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I thought they couldn't schedule it yet because of the upcoming knee surgery?

 

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Are you going to wait another decade for the in-laws to decide the time is right? After the knee gets fixed, she'd going to feel like walking all over DL for ages.

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The father in law decided right away that the time was right because of the grandmother in law's death though. The in laws weren't the ones dragging their feet. They said let's plan this vacation right now. They didn't hem & haw and say sometime we all might go to Disney World like the parents did.

[GAME05]

so i don' t mix up which families, i'll go with older idea and newer idea. the newer idea side seems to just want to do something big, not specifically Disneyland, but it was the first and obvious thing that came to mind.

 

The older idea side has been dreaming of this for a long time, so that would seem to hold at least some weight. however the latest offer by the other side should be pressure enough to get the other side to stop dragging their feet (not meant in a derogatory way). it's been a dream, so now it's time to buy the tickets, or else the newer side will. knee bad? they'll have those motorized chairs available for her to use with a heads up, no problem.

 

this way the older side at least is given the first option to realize this dream. if they get the tickets, then thank the newer idea side for wanting to do something big and work together to think of a Plan B.

 

if the newer side just can't get the tickets at this time, at the very least they couldn't be quite as upset if they were at least given the first opportunity to go.

 

am i right in assuming the newer idea side just wants to do something big for the family and not definitely-specifically Disneyland?

[logan82]

I would skip Disney. Sea World is better anyway. I guess go to Disney with one and Sea World with the other. Maybe take a trip to Sea World then drive down to Fort Myers Beach and stay there after Sea World. Take in some spring training games in the Grapefruit League.

[Bench Coach]

Thanks all for the input, some of the suggestions had already been discussed. Bottom line is this, My wife?s dad is having a hard time dealing with his mom?s death and wants to do something nice for the family. My parents were originally waiting until my kids were old enough to enjoy it then when they were, my mom?s knee got bad. Yes they should have at least mentioned that that was what was holding things up and that if all went well they wanted to go early next year. The other problem is my mom already thinks I spend way more time with my wife?s family than I do with them. Yet my parents always baby sit and are more active in my kids lives than my wife?s family.

 

My parents feel pushed aside and hurt, and I understand that, buy don?t understand how they can hurt the kids as a part of that. My wife suggested saving Magic Kingdom for my family and my family still said they would not be going if we already went. Now its to the point that my kids will be hurt. My parents have been promising this for years and now likely wont take them, my children will not understand that and will be devastated.

I understand their feelings, but it is about the kids and it makes me angry when anyone does that.

 

Thanks for the insight everyone, but this situation has become way more complicated than it should be and their likely is not a decision or outcome that will make everyone happy.

[Fatter than Joey]

Now its to the point that my kids will be hurt. My parents have been promising this for years and now likely wont take them, my children will not understand that and will be devastated.

 

I think you are on the right track here -- I suspect in the long run you will feel better/worse about the impact this has on your kids moreso than the impact it will have on your parents.

 

Either way -- you have nothing but empathy from me, as I can relate 100% to your tough situation. Good Luck!

[rwa12]

I think that your answer is to tell your parents exactly what you said in the previous paragraph. They may be upset, but that is no reason to take it out on the children. When we took our 6 year old a few years ago for a week, we hit about 3/5 of what we wanted to, and some places we only saw for an afternoon at most. Disney is at least a two trip location, and waiting an extra year or so only guarantees that the kids will have a completely different experience. You can't possibly hit all of the parades and fireworks and attractions in one trip, unless your goal is to sprint from location to location. If we took our daughter again now, her outlook would be completely different. She may no longer think Cindarella is real, but she would enjoy the rides and shows a heck of a lot more. My wife and I sacrificed a lot of our fun because our daughter was so young, your parents may benefit from taking the kids when they are slightly older. If they simply want to pout, there is nothing you can do. I sympathize with your plight, we have a newborn and 4 sets of grandparents, some get along, some have feelings that are over-sensitive.