A Happy Divorce?

[twobrewers]

Is it possible to have a mutual respectful relationship (with kids involved) after a divorce?

I've known several individuals who had a divorce sans children. They seem to be pretty quick and painless. There is obviously some lingering issues, but in the end - they both have completely moved on with their lives. Their previous marriage is an afterthought.

However, every divorce with children always seems to end horribly. The former spouses always grow to resent each other - and the children suffer the most.

I am just curious if anyone has gone through the process, if they would be willing to offer some insight and advice from their experiences.

(FYI, I'm not getting a divorce. I also don't have any kids. I'm just dealing with some people close to me who are dealing with these issues)

[JimH5]

It's never happy for kids to see their family broken apart. I was in my late twenties when my parents divorced (after 30+ years of marriage), and even then, I was upset. I can't imagine what it's like for someone who experiences that while in their childhood.

 

When children are involved, divorce is a selfish act, where parents put their own interests ahead of their kids.

[DHonks]

as a teacher I've seen some horrible situations where great kids are put in desperate situations. It's troubling, because it seems that more often than not, the parents are out to screw over the other parent more than they are looking out for the betterment of the child.

[hawing]

My father left when I was 13 and my siblings were 12 and 8. Since he was just plain not on the scene anymore, I didn't observe the kind of animosity that seems to often present itself in, say, custody or other court battles. However, his decision to just drop out of the whole marriage and parenthood realms was more than bad enough. It was unilateral selfishness which me and my siblings and especially my mom had to just absorb. It's been nearly 30 years and it still affects me, not to the good for the most part.

 

Having said this, given the sheer volume of divorce in the world during our lifetimes, I have to think (hopefully, I guess) that some relationships must end more amicably than the horror stories many of us have either heard about or lived ourselves.

 

Another point: some divorces, despite the pain they bring, are ultimately for the good (or relative "good"). I was devastated when my father left, but having observed (from a distance) how the rest of his life turned out, I believe that things might have been worse had he stayed. He had been a heavy drinker since age 15 - he died this January at 71 - and did not hit 'rock bottom' for another 12 years after he left us. His second wife died in an OWI car accident caused by him; what are the odds that would have been my family, had he stayed? It makes me wonder at times whether his selfishness was a blessing in disguise.

[DSFastball55]

Though we were never married, my ex and I split when my son was 2 (he's now almost 5). We only live a few miles apart, and we get along quite well for the most part-probably better than when we were together. We talk regularly about our son and coordinate things such as holidays and etc very well. My son spends roughly equal time with both of us, and I really don't think he's suffered too much because of the split. But yes, I realize we are not the norm.
As for it being selfish to split up when you have kids, I don't think that's a fair statement because every situation is different. Without going into details, I will say that in our case, I am 100% certain that splitting up was the right decision both for us and for our son.

[sgtcluels]

When children are involved, divorce is a selfish act, where parents put their own interests ahead of their kids.

I think this statement is a bit to broad and general. Would it be better to have the kids exposed to constant fighting? Would it be ok to expose your child to the only relationship they know... a dysfunctional relationship? I do think that some divorces are caused by one or both parties being selfish, but just because you have kids doesn't mean you have to still live in a bad situation. I think this is way to black and white.

[yfinn6]

My parents are still friends after their divorce. It's nice for family outings because we can all get together and it's not weird at all. I really got it "lucky" as far as growing up with divorced parents. Going to my mom's or dad's wasn't a big deal since they were only a block and a half apart.

[pogokat]

My parents got divorced when i was 16 and my brother was 18...about 3 years later, my mom got really sick with Stills disease and my father offered to take care of her at the hospital...then he came back to the house to help take care more...then he never left.

 

they are still divorced and they sleep in separate rooms...but they seem like better friends than ever before...i know it's weird, but it's not actually that unusual...supposedly, staying together for the kids really can mess you up...you have to stay together because the bond is stronger---once the kids went away (ie, moved out) they realized that they actually did share something---they just needed independence as well...