Stat Minded Player Recalculates VORP Before Every AB

[homer]

TORONTO-Always mindful of his contributions on offense, Blue Jays shortstop Marco Scutaro has been observed determining his precise value over replacement player (VORP) before every at bat. "Let me see here.... Subtract hits from my total number of at bats, okay, and multiply the league's current average runs per out by my total number of outs so far this year, which is 57. Bring in the old Marginal Lineup Value, and just quickly normalize the numbers with the park factors," Scutaro said to himself while writing mathematical equations in the dirt next to the on-deck circle. "Carry the one. That leaves me with an 8.8, I think. Nice." Scutaro then struck out on three consecutive pitches

 

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/stat_minded_player?utm_source=a-section

[OglivieHomePerm]

KANSAS CITY, MO-Players and executives with the 16-11 Royals filed a grievance with MLB officials Tuesday after they could not find themselves anywhere in the league's official standings. "We looked in all the usual places: third place, fourth place, even fifth place, and we didn't see our name anywhere," said Royals GM Dayton Moore, who added that he even peeked at the AL West standings to see if perhaps the team had been moved to a different division. "I could have sworn we'd been playing really well this year. Why would Commissioner Selig try to hide us? Did we do something wrong? Let me see that paper again." Moore explained that he and everyone in the front office were "very curious" to see Kansas City's other baseball team, which is currently in first place.

 

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/royals_unable_to_find?utm_source=a-section