The Awesome Family Guy Quotes Thread

[trwi7]

Yes, it's a spin-off thread.

Lois walks down to the basement and notices a bully tied up with Stewie right by him.

Stewie: We're playing house.
Lois: That boy is all tied up.
Stewie: Roman Polanski's house.

[crewcrazy]

Aww man, looks like you beat me by 5 minutes since I took so long looking for mine. I'll just copy and paste my post and someone can delete the other thread.

 

Stewie: Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So...this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean you as well pack it in. Game over.

 

Stewie (talking on Sesame Street phone): Put me through to the Pentagon!

Ernie: Do you know what sound a cow makes?

Stewie: Don't toy with me Ernie! I've already dispacted Mr. Hooper, I've got 6 armed men stationed out side Big Bird's nest, and well as for Linda, well, its rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assasin approach now, isn't it?!

 

Lois: You're drunk again.

Peter: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.

 

Peter: Everybody I've got bad news. We've been cancelled.

Lois: Oh no Peter! How could they do that?

Peter: Well unfortuantely Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We just gotta accept the fact that FOX has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That 80's Show, Wonder Falls, Fast Lane, Andy Richter Controls The Universe, Skin, Girl's Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, Freaky Links, Wanda At Large, Costello, The Lone Gunman, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddy, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric The Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, And Greg The Bunny....

Lois: Is there no hope?

Peter: Well I suppose if ALL those shows go down the tubes we might have a shot.

[trwi7]

Peter: By the way Lois, I got a piercing over there. I'm not going to tell you where but I will give you a hint--it wasn't on my nose or my ear and it was one of my balls.

[Mike Felder]

Bert: Son of a (not sure if I can use the word here or not), I'm on my way. Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hoopers.

 

Ernie: Hey Bert, I uh, wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.

 

Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you'd stop eating cookies in the damn bed!

[brucrustu]

Lois walks in on drunken peter and Brian.

 

Lois: Peter it's 7:00 in the morning!

Peter: Thanks for the update Big Ben.

 

next line same scene

 

Lois: If you don't stop acting this way something terrible is gonna happen.

Peter: Something terrible all the way to the bank.

Brian: Nice.

 

 

Two most quoted lines around the farm.

 

edited because I type poorly

[crewcrazy]

Peter: Oh god, I hope you're not pregnant, we can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewey, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...

Brian: Peter those aren't your kids, that's the Nick-at-Night lineup.

Peter: Blanka, Zangeif, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...

Brian: That's Street Fighter.

Peter: Red, blue, green...

Brian: Those are colors.

 

Lois: Peter, what did you promise me?

Peter: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.

Lois: And what did you do?

Peter: Drank at the stag pa-- ... Whoa. I almost walked into that one.

 

Peter: I've got an idea--an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I'm talking about.

[TooLiveBrew]

Peter: You know something? I always thought that dogs... laid eggs. So, yeah -- I learned something today.

[jwill535]

A few scenes that get me are Peter signing "Rock Lobster"(Wish I could have that as a ring tone) and "My Milk Shake". Doing his own sneaking around music while trying to get the switch Meg's story is great and Stewie talking to Bryan about his novel. To long to type.

 

Peter: Sometimes its ok to swear Lois

 

Balif: Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

 

Peter: I swear...........You Bastard.

[patrickgpe]

Stewie: It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I have no problem. There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, 'My God wouldn't it be marvelous if i turned out to be a homosexual?'

[Nottso]

Peter: Just don't forget our deal, Lois. I sit through this and later tonight I get anal. You hear me? No matter how neat I want the house you have to clean it.

[dhoffman19]

Mr. Herbert: Uh, yeah, I was just wondering, uh... where the newspaper boy was.

[beep]

Mr. Herbert: Haven't seen the newspaper in a couple days. Wonderin' if he ever gonna come back.

[beep]

Mr. Herbert: Guess who? Sorry to leave you so many messages. Just lonely here. Thinkin' about the muscly-armed paperboy. Wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good news.

[beep]

Mr. Herbert: Where are you?

[beep]

Mr. Herbert: Ah, you're starting to piss me off, you little piggly son of a %$#%*. Call me.

[dhoffman19]

Mr. Herbert: Hey, muscly arm, why the long face?

Chris: It's this girl. I can't talk to her. It's like girls are a different species or something.

Mr. Herbert: Who needs them? You like Popsicles?

Chris: Well, sure.

Mr. Herbert: Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles.

Chris: No, thanks. I gotta get going.

Mr. Herbert: Don't make me beg now.

Chris: You're funny. Bye.

Mr. Herbert: Get your fat ass back here.

[crewcrazy]

A few scenes that get me are Peter signing "Rock Lobster"(Wish I could have that as a ring tone)

 

Rock Lobster!

[Menotti80]

all of the scene's with herman are awesome. like his ice cream truck ringtone.

 

da-da-da-da... da-da... da-da... da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da..... mmmmm

 

or when chris is going to do yard work and he tells him he can his shirt off... so wrong but so funny.

 

or when the tree is going to eat chris and herman says to pick on someone his own size, then the tree vs herman is a spin off of gandalf vs balrog from lord of the rings...

[PaulRigdon]

Best Herbert (not herman) line is...

 

whoever can swollow the most tylenol pm wins...

 

best stewie line..

 

Oh squiggly line in my eye fluid.

I see you lurking there on the periphery of my vision.

But when I try to look at you, you scurry away.

Are you shy, squiggly line?

Why only when I ignore you, do you return to the center of my eye?

Oh, squiggly line,

it's alright, you are forgiven.

[Schlitz001]

"How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on?"

[crewcrazy]

Quagmire: Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.

 

Peter: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?

Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.

Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.

Quagmire: [Laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."

Peter: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.

Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible.

[Pause]

Quagmire: Oh God. Oh my God. I've got all these magazines. Oh God.

 

Judge: I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.

Lois: Oh no!

Brian: Oh no!

Chris: Oh no!

Meg: Oh no!

Kool Aid Guy (bursting through the courthouse wall): OOOOOOOH YEAAAAAAH!

[jwill535]

Guard: Maam you can't park your van on the diving board

 

Lois: Thats my son!!

 

Guard: Hey Jerry, its just a fat kid.

-----

Stewie(looking in the mirror): hmm whats that? Nope, thats just my package, God sent it, I just signed for it.

[Oldcity]

Joe: HOW DO YOU AFFORD THESE THINGS!?

[Crazyk1294]

Man #1: [Lois and Peter are watching a Sam Adams commercial on TV] I'll have water, please.

Man #2: I'll have water too, but with lemon, please.

Man #3: I'll have a Sam Adams, please

Man #4: It's 9:30 in the morning!'

Man #1: Don't you have an outstanding DUI?

Man #3: Yeah, but I gotta get the taste of weed and @$!%$+ spit out of my mouth.

Man #4: I'll have a Sam Adams too.

Sam Adams: Samuel Adams. Always a good decision.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Peter: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?

Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.

Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.

Quagmire: [Laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."

Peter: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.

Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible.

Quagmire: Oh god. Oh my god. I've got all these magazines. Oh god.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quagmire: Don't look at me like that. Fat chicks need love too... but they got to pay.

[Mike Felder]

From the same episode brucrustu quoted:

 

"Everybody has their sanctuary Lois. Catholics have church, fat people have Wisconsin, and I have the Pawtucket Brewery!"

[PKBadger]

Mayor West: "Let's play 20 Questions...I'll go first. Am I Bo Bice? Yes, I am. Well played, worthy adversary."

[Menotti80]

how can i forget mayor west:

 

I'm a tomato!

ahh, jingle keys

so its a shouting match you want eh quohog? ahhhhh ahhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhi'mbeatingyou

why thank you tinkle fairy

smack smack sugar smack, give me a smack and i'll smack you back!

[crewcrazy]

Trisha Takinawa: Here comes Mayor Adam West himself. Mr. West, do you have any words for our viewers?

Mayor Adam West: Box, toaster, aluminum, maple syrup... no I take that one back. I'm gonna hold onto that one.

 

Chris: Hey little dude, how about some ice cream?

Stewie: Yes I could go for a frozen treat right about now. But no sprinkles. And for every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

[jazzytrav]

Brian: Cold in here?

Stewie: Nope, just really small.

 

-------------------------------------

 

Peter: Were you in some kind of accident?

Shamus: Me father was a tree.