Asking the GF's parents for Permission - Please help

[dadofandrew]

Clearly no one is realistically expecting to alter their plans based on what the parents say

 

That's why I wouldn't bother asking. Traditions are just another way of doing something over and over for no reason other than that's what you've (or in this case, society) done before. I guess I'm just too independent to concern myself with asking questions that the answer is unimportant to me.

[Roscoe Chill]

Al, it's less about tradition, and more about respect. Parents appreciate it, or at least I've never heard of any parents who've not appreciated it. That's fine if your relationship with your in laws isn't all good and the type for you to overcome your independence, but it's not about tradition as much as it's being a stand up guy...maybe you don't understand what that is?

[dadofandrew]

Standing up for what? You're not marrying them, and it does not matter what they say...why ask?

[logan82]

Al, it's less about tradition, and more about respect. Parents appreciate it, or at least I've never heard of any parents who've not appreciated it. That's fine if your relationship with your in laws isn't all good and the type for you to overcome your independence, but it's not about tradition as much as it's being a stand up guy...maybe you don't understand what that is?

I don't understand what is respectful about asking somebody permission if you are going to do something anyway.

 

[Roscoe Chill]

It's not necessarily asking, it's declaring your intentions, it's respectful. Standing up for what? Like I said, I guess you don't understand what that is.

[sbrylski]

Its a courtesy, Al. "See parents, I respect you and want you included (or feel included) in this decision, and to be a continuing and large part of your daughter's new life with me."

[dadofandrew]

That's the point, you don't want them included, as their response does not matter.

 

On a side note, the idea of her parents knowing before her is bothersome to me.

[hawing]

On a side note, the idea of her parents knowing before her is bothersome to me.

 

Then it's probably for the best that this involved brwrsfan's in-laws (to be), and not yours.

 

Making the parents feel included (and/or speaking to them before speaking to the would-be fiancee) is appropriate for some families and unnecessary for others.

It sounds like brwrsfan's approach is working for him, which for this thread seems like the most important outcome.

Like others who posted earlier in this thread, I look forward to at least as happy an update when brwrsfan pops the question to his GF.

[Fatter than Joey]

Then it's probably for the best that this involved brwrsfan's in-laws (to be), and not yours.

 

I am sure Al was speaking in generalities and he is not actually bothered by this specific scenario. I certainly find it non-typical to buy a house with someone and then ask their parents for permission to be married -- To each their own and all of that.... but I get how people are going to see this differently than others.

 

I am curious, and I do not mean this in a snarky way in the least bit, did you ask her parents about buying a house before you did?

 

Parents and in-laws need to know their place, and I am always super cautious about involving mine in any aspect of my home/domain.

[dadofandrew]

What FTJ said. Well put.

[mothershipconnection]

If you think they're gonna be really ticked if you don't, then you should ask. If you have a good relationship with them now, there's no reason to screw it up by not engaging in a mildly-aggravating and annoying obsolete custom.

 

When I was married for the first time, I asked her dad because we got along really well and I just had the feeling he'd be grumpy if we didn't have that talk. I'll get out of it if I marry the current ladyfriend since her parents speak no English.

[brwrsfan]

Then it's probably for the best that this involved brwrsfan's in-laws (to be), and not yours.

 

I am sure Al was speaking in generalities and he is not actually bothered by this specific scenario. I certainly find it non-typical to buy a house with someone and then ask their parents for permission to be married -- To each their own and all of that.... but I get how people are going to see this differently than others.

 

I am curious, and I do not mean this in a snarky way in the least bit, did you ask her parents about buying a house before you did?

 

Parents and in-laws need to know their place, and I am always super cautious about involving mine in any aspect of my home/domain.

 

We didn't have a conversation such as this one, but they were one of the people that suggested it in the first place, and helped us look at many of the houses. So no, I didn't actually have a conversation about it but the permission was implied I would say. Thanks to everyone that gave encouragement and what not, and I'll let you know how it goes when the actual question finally comes.

 

I understand that many of you think it's completely unnecessary, and it probably is, but it's just something I felt was appropriate and wanted to do it. I realize that it's not for everyone, and I'm perfectly fine with that.

[Fatter than Joey]

I understand that many of you think it's completely unnecessary,

 

Maybe, however everyone here is pulling for you... Good Luck!

[logan82]

Fatter than Joey wrote:

Maybe, however everyone here is pulling for you

Very true.

[brwrsfan]

Well thanks for the support. I have no idea when the next step will actually occur, but I'll be sure to let everyone know.

[Chio151]

I think I mentioned it to me father-in-law half in jest. We were talking, and I was like "you okay with me marrying your daughter." "Yep." "Alright, great"

 

It all depends on your relationship. But I agree that declaring your intentions is better than asking for permission. It really shouldn't be an issue unless there is some sort of cultural or religious barrier.

[Roscoe Chill]

That's great if you decide you don't want to ask. There have been girlfriends of mine in the past, where I wouldn't have even talked about it with her father, because at least in one case A) I didn't like the guy. and B) he wasn't as involved in his daughter's life as much as her mother and stepfather (I would have definitely had a talk with her mother ).

 

Just don't make it out to be some kind of outdated custom and scoff at the idea of showing respect to the parents of the woman you're going to ask to marry you.

 

You don't have to, but don't say everyone is being silly that will do so. It's not a dumb tradition that has no place in today's society, it's being respectful.

[PrestigeWorldwide]

I actually thought it would have been disrespectful to my wife to ask permission. She is a feminist in nearly every sense, and I thought she would be quite offended if I had done that. (It turns out she thought I should have, only because she thought it may have been important to her dad, so swing and a miss on that one.) The second reason I didn't ask is I didn't think I owed it to them to ask permission, rather I owed it to them to take care of their daughter and treat her the way parents would want their daughter to be treated. I thought from a parents' perspective that is all they should care about. I'm sure there have been many men who have asked and been granted permission and then turned around and were crappy husbands. The final reason I didn't ask is because it would have felt odd if her parents knew she was getting engaged before she did.

[brwrsfan]

I think I've held all of you in suspense for long enough http://forum.brewerfan.net/images/smilies/smile.gif

 

I finally asked the big question last night...and she said YES!! I'm now engaged.

 

Thanks to all of you for your help, insight and support. I even told her I posted about the dinner on brewerfan, she thought that was pretty cool. She was like "is there anything you don't talk about on their??". To which of course, I said no....brewerfan is all encompassing!

[bball123h]

Congrats! I was reading this thread with some interest, and I also asked the folks for permission (the new fiance had always said how nice a gesture that would be, so I followed her wishes). I guess that makes me officially old-school.

[TooLiveBrew]

CONGRATS brwrsfan! Way to go! http://forum.brewerfan.net/images/smilies/smile.gif http://forum.brewerfan.net/images/smilies/smile.gif

 

 

I realize that it's not for everyone, and I'm perfectly fine with that.

 

I know it's a tad late, but man... screw us, do what you know feels right!

 

 

She is a feminist in nearly every sense, and I thought she would be quite offended if I had done that. (It turns out she thought I should have, only because she thought it may have been important to her dad, so swing and a miss on that one.)

 

This just reinforces FtJ's excellent conclusion that 'All women are crazy' http://forum.brewerfan.net/images/smilies/wink.gif