Asking the GF's parents for Permission - Please help

[brwrsfan]

I'm looking for some help on this and I'm sure there are numerous individuals that have already ventured down this path. I'm taking my girlfriend (of 3 years - with a house together) parents out to dinner tonight. I made it a point to let them know that it's just me and that they shouldn't mention it to anyone, especially their daughter. So I'm pretty certain they have an inkling of what's coming.

I already have a pretty good idea of what I'm going to say to them but I'm certain when exactly to say it. I want to make sure it's a time when I won't get interrupted, but I don't really want to be distracted with food or thinking about the conversation during the entire dinner. I was thinking of bringing it up/asking after we put our order in, but they'll be coming shortly after with soup/salad (we're going to Olive Garden). I'm also leary of asking before the meal in case it gets really akward or, worst case scenario, they say no.

Any thoughts on this? Should I go ahead and ask after we order and hope it goes well? I'm not overly nervous about it at this point, but I very well might be later and will probably want to get it out of the way....please help.

Any other suggestions and/or tips from those that have already gone through this? This is a rather large thing for me (large story) so I really want to make sure I get it right, thanks in advance for any help you can give me.

[Fatter than Joey]

Why would you do this? -- I didn't ask my inlaws.

 

Good Luck, all the same.

[And That]

Go to Old Country Buffet and ask them by the ham as the chef carves it.

 

No, I have no idea... it won't take too long, but I wouldn't want it over my head the whole dinner, so I would do it right after ordering.

 

Good luck!

[Brian the Automator]

I asked my then-girlfriend's parents permission, and they wouldn't give it to me.

 

I married her anyway.

 

Brian 1, Them 0.

[Fatter than Joey]

I asked my then-girlfriend's parents permission, and they wouldn't give it to me.

I married her anyway.

 

Yeah, I think it it disingenuous to ask for permission, and then (I assume) proceed to do what you set out to do in the first place.

 

I guess I would "declare my intentions" rather than "ask for permissions". I find that I ultimately regret any input/control extended to my inlaws.

 

I think if you "declare" rather than "ask" -- you may skip some of the awkwardness....

[sgtcluels]

Wow sounds like it would cause some kind of resentment BTA!

 

I was way to nervous to ask my ex-inlaws. Good luck, just be honest.

[hawing]

I asked my then-girlfriend's parents permission, and they wouldn't give it to me.

 

What, did they think you were dangerous or something?

You just don't strike me as a problematic kind of guy, that's all.

[JoeHova]

yeah weird, why would you do this? It's not the 1850's and we aren't in Victorian England. Your girlfriend should be able to decide on her own what she wants to do. I would skip it, but if you're going to do it, definitely tell them you are going to ask her to marry you, don't ask them if it's ok.

[jwill535]

A few things, first off my opinion is that asking is outdated and dumb since this isn't a period of time where parents can control their adult children. On the other hand not asking gives the parents the right to refuse to help paying for a wedding. Weddings and the money spent on them is a whole other issue that I could go on about but wont.

[Brian the Automator]

What, did they think you were dangerous or something?

You just don't strike me as a problematic kind of guy, that's all.

No, it was a religious thing.

 

[And That]

Is there a dowry involved? http://forum.brewerfan.net/images/smilies/smile.gif

 

I agree that it's kind of an outdated tradition, but then again every situation is different, and I think it's a nice gesture, if you think you need to make it.

[BillScottCanRake]

I'm with Joey on this one. I'd be more inclined to say "I asked you here tonight to let you know that I will be asking your daughter to marry me..." rather than "I'd like your permission to...", unless you are fully prepared to not ask her if they say no.

 

I wonder if I made some sort of huge etiquette mistake by not including Jeanette's parents in our discussion? I asked, she said yes, then she told her parents what was happening. They seem to like me well enough, but I wonder if I missed something.

[tristarscoop]

I don't think it is antiquated/out of date/whathave you - I think it's an old tradition that you do in respect to the parents. I think it often has to do with your relationship with the GF's parents. In my situation, my BF knows my mom quite well and she would probably be in on some of the planning/advising, so it's a bit of a different situation. If you don't know the future in-laws too well and have a more formal relationship with them, I think this is something that comes in to play so that they're included.

 

But I do agree that in this day and age, it's more about informing than asking permission.

[brwrsfan]

I understand the argument about not asking or informing them, etc. Unfortunately, it's just the way I've always imagined it happening, and I'm pretty certain that her dad wants me to "ask" first (I play cards with him occassionally and it's been brought up by some of the other players that they were recently asked and he seemed to agree with the situation). It's just something I think needs to be done I guess.

 

I'm really not worried that they'll say no, and it's probably a step that I don't need to take but it's something that I feel needs to be done. So I'm going to do it...when do you guys think is the appropriate time?

[BillScottCanRake]

I really don't think there is an inappropriate time, so long as you don't wait until an obviously bad time (i.e. right after dinner arrives, as you are leaving the restaurant, etc). Since you are asking at a restaurant, you don't have total control over things like when the waiter/waitress comes, when the food comes, when other customers pass by, etc.

 

If it were me, I think I'd order whatever you will be drinking with your meal and when the waiter/waitress delivers them, ask for a few minutes to decide what you want to order for dinner. That should give you an opportunity to say what you need to say with minimal chance of being interrupted, and that way you don't have to worry about someone eating.

 

Good luck!

[chuckiehacks]

If you're confident they'll say yes, I say ask after you order. That way you can have a nice, relaxing dinner. Maybe they'll be so excited they'll even pick up the check.

[jwill535]

My question is, what happens if they say no like with BTA's inlaws? Do you tell them to pound sand or do you turn to your girlfriend, shake her hand, thank her for the good times and leave?

[brwrsfan]

My question is, what happens if they say no like with BTA's inlaws? Do you tell them to pound sand or do you turn to your girlfriend, shake her hand, thank her for the good times and leave?

 

That's a good question, and one that I certainly hope doesn't need to be answered. She won't be there so she'll have no idea that the conversation actually occured. I think at that point I would pretty much have to tell her what happened and we'd figure it out together from there. We already own a house together, I have a solid job and we see their parents all the time so I don't think they would say no...unless they really don't like me, which is entirely possible I guess.

[Beerambassador]

I asked my in-laws for permission, only because they had told me they were upset with their son-in-law who didn't ask. I think it's outdated and lame, but whatever, they didn't and that's what matters.

 

Anyway, ask them right away. I was going to wait until after we had ordered dinner, but my mother-in-law is blunt and such and asked right away why I was taking them out for dinner. She knew what was up. She also ordered the pork chop special, which was great because I couldn't really afford to take them out for dinner to begin with (which I think they also knew).

[Brian the Automator]

My question is, what happens if they say no like with BTA's inlaws? Do you tell them to pound sand or do you turn to your girlfriend, shake her hand, thank her for the good times and leave?

To be fair, they didn't say I couldn't marry her, they just said that they couldn't give me their position. Talk about an uncomfortable conversation, yeesh.

 

[SeriesFinale]

I told her surviving parent that I was going to be asking her to marry me, "if you have no problems with it."

 

She didn't but I would've done it anyway...it was a formality out of respect and tradition.

[RayKingsForemanGrill]

I did it and her parents were thrilled that I would have the respect for them to ask, although they were not expecting it - so it was kind of a pleasant surprise to them.

 

I agree with others who say that the "I want to let you know that I'm going to ask your daughter to marry me and wanted to know if you had any objections or concerns before I do it?"

 

That way they can't flat out say no.

 

Having said that, I gave my inlaws the yes or no option, and they said yes.

 

I guess it all depends on how much you think her parents like you...

 

Bill

[yoshii8]

I also asked permission from my inlaws, and I think they were happy that I did.

 

It sounds like you get along w/ your inlaws, if this is true, I think you are in for a very happy night. If it were me I would ask them as soon as I could, to take the pressure off, and because they probably know what is going to happen anyway. Good luck, and hopefully congrats.

[logan82]

My wife and I went to pick out her engagement ring together, so I guess I was way at the other end of the traditional spectrum.

[JJHardy7]

My wife and I went to pick out her engagement ring together, so I guess I was way at the other end of the traditional spectrum.

 

I think it's all on the relationship you do or do not have with the in-laws. Traditions vary by families and I think it's up to them to determine their traditions...there's nothing wrong in my mind with any way it's handled.

 

I asked the father's "permission". He really appreciated it. The best part is that the mother didn't know until my wife called her that we got engaged since her father wanted to keep it a secret until it happened.