dating advice: did i do the right thing

[TooLiveBrew]

This sounds harsh

 

You're darn right -- very harsh. Throwing out stuff like "you screwed up", "pathetic", "ridiculous", and 'you should have worked it out like an adult' aren't really helpful as much as they can be hurtful.

[rwa12]

It was intended to be harsh, to get my point across. Sometimes hurtful does as much good as helpful, I don't think he did the right thing, he asked for opinions and I gave one. He doesn't know me from Adam, so my opinion really shouldn't matter much. It is just a flipside to the "man of the year" post.

to me, that sounds like things aren't permanently damaged

You said that you have been dating a single mom for 2 years, if you tell her tomorrow that you really don't want to be a father to her kids, what do you think she says? You think she forgets something like that? This is a situation where he should have asked for advice before he did something, not after.

 

So he should just be miserable the rest of his life?

If he expects every relationship to have no problems, he will be anyways. Having to deal with an occasional troublesome child, outweighs all the positive things? I find that ridiculous, that is running from a problem. This is the love of his life we are talking about, he had the choice of embracing a large part of her life, and helping him grow, or walking away...I don't agree with the choice. I don't proclaim to know him, or how he thinks, but once again opinions were asked for, and I gave my perspective. In the future, I will make sure to water them down so as not to offend. My apologies if I hurt your feelings, DHonks.

[Menotti80]

my girlfriend's reaction would be a hell of a lot different than dhonks girlfriend. my girlfriend would not be as understanding, and if i somehow didn't get my butt kicked and put in the hospital http://forum.brewerfan.net/images/smilies/smile.gif, i dont think she would ever fully recover. then again, i doubt i would either.

 

all i know is that she certainly wouldn't be as nice to give me a few days to think my decision over... and i think it's unfair for you to assume something about his gf.

 

and thats why i think there may not be permanently damaged. my gf and i went through a gut check after about 5 months that wasn't all that dissimilar than this, and we worked through it, and we are very happy.

[MHgb]

To answer your question, DHonks, I cannot answer your question because I cannot read the future. However, it sounds like you do do things with the boy, but just not as a group of 3. Does the boy attend the school you teach at? If so, watching him practice and taking him home after may not count for a whole lot since you are there already and just doing it for convenience sake for your g/f. Is your perception of him affected by how you see him at school. Because I think everyone's perception of their kids would be different. You just have the inside scoop. I don't have kids, but may some day soon, and I think that time with the g/f alone would dwindle and family time would take over once we have kids. I think your situation is different as you're being pressured to family time sooner than most. I get to ease into it. For you, it's either accept it or not. When I do have kids, I'm sure I'll have the same transition period you have right now. I'd sometimes want to spend time with just my wife. But the kids get in the way. It will take a while for our lives to adjust in that manner.

 

I agree that if you do marry her someday, you do have a responsibility and a say in the discipline, but you should work that out beforehand. If you've never had a fight before, maybe now is the time to raise some hairy issues that you have with the son and with the g/f. Disagreements are part of relationships. Don't be afraid of them. You are learning on the job right now. You might do what feels right right now, but regret it a few months from now. It might work out best for the three of you.

[jazzytrav]

You said that you have been dating a single mom for 2 years, if you tell her tomorrow that you really don't want to be a father to her kids, what do you think she says? You think she forgets something like that? This is a situation where he should have asked for advice before he did something, not after.

You basically told him everything he did wrong in an unnecessary way, dwelled on all the past stuff, and offered no solutions. Yes, sometimes it's necessary to be hurtful, but in a constructive way. I don't see anything in your posts that make them constructive.

[TooLiveBrew]

Jazzytrav, I found the constructive point!

 

...

 

You love the kid (by all accounts)

[DHonks]

Thank you very much fellas.

 

I spoke with her last night, and I think she's somewhat understanding of things. She feels that I basically got cold feet and allowed one unanswerable question to lead me to jump to conclusions. In effect, she thinks that I think too much.

 

Ultimately, we're going to continue going out. I think that what happened was I had a sort of "mid-life crisis", only with dating. Or perhaps I got cold feet. But for a few days, I allowed an issue to totally dominate my thoughts. In my mind, it meant that we were destined to break up, so we might as well just get it over with. However, she knows that I love her, and I know that she loves me. She also feels I'm much better with her son that I give myself credit for. And she also promised me that if I feel overwhelmed right now, that I can stop putting pressure on myself--I'm her boyfriend, not the boy's step-father. She reminded me not to worry about disciplining, just to be sure I don't undermine her (she is much better at disciplining than I am). I think that this whole issue has slowed down the pace at which we were going. I think it was going along too easily, and the result is that we both anticipated an engagement in the coming months (sometime around the 12-14 month point). But now we're going to bump back our timeframes, and continue to live 1 day at a time.

 

Thanks again for all the advice. Sometimes this site gives the best advice, because all my friends just said, "we like her, but we're all about you. So do what's best for you." I think that--at this point in time--being with her is best for me.

[logan82]

DHonks wrote:

She reminded me not to worry about disciplining, just to be sure I don't undermine her (she is much better at disciplining than I am).

Good advice for anybody with kids. Never undermine your partner. Whether you agree or not.

[Fatter than Joey]

Sometimes this site gives the best advice,

 

Now if we could only get Ned to listen.

 

I think that--at this point in time--being with her is best for me.

 

If this is truly the case, you will find a way to cope with the boy.

[GAME05]

if the cold feet relates mostly to you thinking you'd be jumping head-first into fatherhood, i only think it might be a far slower process than you think, or maybe not at all if the bio-father is in the picture. i could see that you'd end up deferring most or all of the discipline to her not out of laziness one bit but out of respect. a coworker had a few kids before her second husband, and he defers a lot of the disciplining.

[logan82]

At least with a grown child you get to skip the diaper changing years. That shouldn't be overlooked.

 

Seriously though, I was never a person that wanted kids. In fact I would go so far to say that if I had never had kids I wouldn't have been bothered at all. I now have 2 and like them quite a bit. It is definitely a lifestyle change having to put their needs before my own wants, but things worked out fine.

[homer]

DHonks,

Just remember that 7 months is nothing. You are still really really young so don't rush into anything. I'd recommend giving it another 6 months at least before deciding one way or the other. Who knows...the kid may mature some in that time.

[danzig6767]

I wouldn't want to be a stepdad

 

I've seen my share of stepdad situations up close and it sure didn't look very attractive. My mom remarried and my sister chose to live with my mom after our parents divorced. My sister hated this new "father" in her life and she was brutal cold towards him for years, i don't know how John took that for so long. My sister gets along great with him now, but that 5ish year stretch, i'd have bolted given how terrible my sister was towards him.

 

I was very close to a pair of cousins growing up. They sorta got along with their stepdad when they were kids, but once they became teens, man they hated Art and treated him like garbage.

 

My daughter's mom got remarried about six years ago. My kid has never liked him and only talks to him when she absolutely has to. She is a teen now and i won't tolerate her giving him lip if i'm around when he is also, but i can tell they have no sort of caring relationship whatsoever besides having to live in the same house because he's married to her mom. She's told me numerous times that she hates him, even though i've been around him many times and he seems like a decent guy.

 

I've seen other not very pleasant step parent situations, they don't look fun at all. Maybe when it a step parent enters the picture when a kid is very young, things go better, but just from my personal experiences seeing step parent situations, i'm glad i wasn't in that place.

[DHonks]

danzig, it helps that the child has never seen his mom and dad together, except to make the tradeoffs. She says he's really fond of me. So I don't know if there's a difference. He's also aware that I've been to more of his basketball games and practices than his dad.

 

As a teacher in AZ, I'd estimate that 50-60% of my kids have some sort of situation that would have been rare in the 1980s Milwaukee suburbs (where I was raised). That is, divorced folks, deadbeat folks, deported folks, etc.

[TooLiveBrew]

I was never a person that wanted kids. In fact I would go so far to say that if I had never had kids I wouldn't have been bothered at all. I now have 2 and like them quite a bit.

 

Sig-worthy. *puts in his back pocket*