Could use some advice...

[TooLiveBrew]

I recently found out that my parents (married over 25 years) are getting a divorce, and am at an absolute loss. What really kicked me in the gut is that they're now looking to sell 'our' house -- my childhood home. Along with this is that our family dog, an absolute joy, and one of the true loves of my life, is going to be given to some other family. I have no idea where she (the dog) is going to go, nor any idea who the people are that will be taking her.

 

To boot, I'm hundreds of miles away from all this & feel even more helpless and without control than I would if I were still in Wisconsin. I've really held off on posting something here, as I don't want to drop my problems on other people, but I'm really feeling bummed right now. I'm sorry for starting a thread on this, but I'm hoping that even if no one has anything to say the mere act of me typing this out will be therapeutic. I honestly don't know what I'm looking for, but perhaps to just let this out. BF.net has always been a place I can go to help calm my nerves, so that's probably what's brought me here now. I know I'm not the first person to have their parents split, but it's the first time for me & I guess I don't know what to do.

[JoeHova]

I'm sorry to hear that man. As someone whose parents have a, let's say, "rocky" relationship, I can empathize.

 

The thing I try to keep in mind is that people generally try to do what's best for them. If your parents think that now is the time to split up, maybe they're right and some good could come of it. Maybe they'll both be happier.

 

Anyway, good luck to you and your parents and I hope you find a good home for your dog.

[JimH5]

Sorry for you, TLB. . .

My own story may be similar to yours (without the dog). My parents married in 1955, and in 1989 announced they were splitting up. I was 27 at the time, and was just married the previous year. It was a drag, in every way.

I was comforted, actually, by sort of being into my own life by that point. I was living with my own wife, 45 minutes away, involved in my job and just really getting started into professional adulthood.

I'd be fine going into more details away from the public nature of an internet message board.

One of the worst things about it really, was that my sisters and I really were powerless about trying to make things better. Once my folks decided to split up, that was that.

Best of luck to you in dealing with this bad episode in your life.

[jwill535]

My parents divorced when i was 8(interupted my game of Commando on NES which i was more mad about at the time) and both remarried a couple years after the divorce. Every home i lived in growing up(original, then one my mom and step dad bought and my dads) have been sold and they all are living in new homes. As a kid it probably was easier because i got use to it, plus on christmas i got double the presents. My best advice would be to let them have they're space and not try to get involved, because in reality it isnt your place. If they arent happy together then this is most likely for the better.

[craigharmann]

My wife went through this when she was in college. She works with high school and middle school youth and she thinks that it is harder to go through a divorce when there are more memories of the marriage. I think that makes sense. If you're 6, you have less images of you parents married than if you're 20. I'm sorry to hear about it, and I agree to give them their space and don't try to tell them what they should or shouldn't do.

[Teatoe993]

Sorry to hear that TLB. I went through the exact same thing when I was 20. My parents were married for 20 years and all of a sudden I come home and my mother tells me she's divorcing my father. I did not see it coming at all. I was also in college at the time 225 miles away. That year was by far the worst time of my life having to deal with that amongst many other trials/tragedies in my life. The house was sold and I had nowhere to stay when I came home to work on weekends/breaks. So I ended up staying with misc. friends & family. Eventually spent the summer in a run down punk house. The relationship with my parents changed after the divorce. I could barely even speak to my mother for over a year. But time does heal all wounds and everything worked out somehow. It's a tough thing to go through for sure, and it definitely changed and strengthened my views of male/female relationships. Good luck TLB. You'll get through it. PM me if you have any questions or want any of my advice.

[hawing]

Wow, that's rough.

 

I think having your parents split up is distressing at almost any age. I haven't felt the same about my father (who indicated that he wanted to end his marriage by leaving) since the day my mom told us about it in the summer of 1979. I was 13 at the time. Sometimes I felt a bit envious of my sister, who was young enough then to not really remember our "intact" household.

 

The pending loss of your childhood home is a real loss, too, whether related to divorce or other factors Of the places I lived as a child, my favorite house by far was the one where we lived during my teen years - which my mother had to sell while I was in college because she couldn't afford to keep it up after my dad left (and rarely paid support). I found that transition difficult, even though I wasn't living there full-time anymore.

 

I remember my dad stopping by for the last of his things shortly before we left that house; I was the only one at home at the time, so I had to talk to him, and he was making offhand comments about how my mom shouldn't be selling such a nice house. I longed to point out that maybe she could have stayed there had he fulfilled his court-ordered child support obligation - but for various reasons, I thought better of it.

 

Since then, I've always envied people who still had access to their childhood homes. My grandparents owned the same house in Janesville for about 75 years, and that place was a comfort to visit until my grandpa died and it had to be sold. Two years ago, my mom moved out of the smaller house (the one she left my beloved house for), and even that stung a bit. Though I didn't really ever reside in that house, it was still my connection to the town where I went to high school - and now we have no reason to visit there.

 

And geez, your dog even. You are really hitting the "loss" trifecta (not that you need to be told that). Is there no way she could join you in Portland? Would it be worth your moving to a place that allows dogs? Or is it at least possible for you to get back to Wisconsin for a chance to say goodbye? That might make me maddest of all. My family's had its share of trials and tribulations, but man, we never turned our backs on a pet. (Though giving her to a family is obviously better than just letting her loose or something.)

 

Anyway - you're neither crazy nor alone for feeling kicked in the gut over things like this. I hope the experiences shared in this thread help you manage these losses.

[TooLiveBrew]

Thank you for all the responses.

My parents were married for 20 years and all of a sudden I come home and my mother tells me she's divorcing my father. I did not see it coming at all. I was also in college at the time 225 miles away.

 

That's my situation, except a bit farther away (not that that really matters). I think that's one thing that stings so much -- it's not a mutual desire to split, though at this point it may as well be, since there's nothing anyone or my father can do.

 

My best advice would be to let them have their space and not try to get involved, because in reality it isnt your place.

 

I've really been staying away from all this, probably to my own detriment. I still have yet to talk with my mother about 'things', because I am trying myself to work away from just lumping all blame on her.

 

 

And geez, your dog even. You are really hitting the "loss" trifecta (not that you need to be told that). Is there no way she could join you in Portland? Would it be worth your moving to a place that allows dogs? Or is it at least possible for you to get back to Wisconsin for a chance to say goodbye?

 

I really don't see how we could take her here, sadly -- but believe me, I've wondered any possible way for this to happen. My sister is living in Madison right now, and voluteered to take our dog... I haven't been able to talk with my father yet to find out why he feels he needs to make this decision another way. I guess I'll have to think about how or if I can get home to see my dog, and on a certain level, I guess this equates to jwill being 'more' pissed about his game of Commando. http://forum.brewerfan.net/images/smilies/smile.gif

 

 

Thank you again. It has been very helpful to read through your kind & thoughtful remarks. I will probably take you guys up on the PM offers, but perhaps not today.

[samwise]

Sorry to hear about this TLB, however since I know you personally you can take one thing from your parents relationship.... they raised a real nice kid.

 

Hang in there bud.

[Roscoe Chill]

My parents' marriage is still going strong, but they did move away from where I grew up about 10 years ago, so I understand about your family home angle. What I don't understand is the dog situation. Why isn't one of them taking the dog with them?

[TooLiveBrew]

NDOGG, my only guess is that the housing situations they're investigating haven't given them much hope to keep her. I really don't know, and have been pretty mad/upset about this.

 

Hang in there bud.

 

Thanks Sam, thanks. I'm doin' my best.

[BuckyTuba]

I was "lucky" enough to have my parents get divorced when I was 3 years old. I didn't have to go through all the crap that you'll have to deal with in the next few months, so I really can't give you any good advice at this point. Best of luck to you and your family through this tough time.

[Brian the Automator]

Hey TLB, I have absolutely no experience when it comes to dealing with divorced parents, but I want you to know that you and your family are in Nicole and my prayers.

[logan82]

My parents divorced when I was about your age(mid 20's). I know things seem bad right now, but I am sure everything will work out better than you expect.

[bullox]

I am sorry to hear about your current situation. I can't imagine how it must feel at this point... My parents divorced when I was two so I never really knew what it was like to have a mom and a dad living together in the same house.

 

At least you can be thankful that they raised you together and you turned out great. That might not be much consolation, but you've got to try to find a silver lining in these cloudy times. Hang in there mang.

[trwi7]

My parents were married for 18 years before they got divorced. I was in 8th grade when it happened and it was actually a relief to me. Having them away from eachother was better than listening to the fighting or the awkward silence of them not talking at all.

 

Sorry to hear about that TLB but sometimes it is actually better than continuing to live with someone you constantly argue with. I'm sure they'll get through it and I'm sure you will too, eventually. Just talk to both of them about it and tell them how you feel about it.

 

I don't really know what to say about the dog or the house you grew up in. I'd just make sure to tell them to have a background check on whoever is interested in the dog and then give it to the person that they deem the best fit. For the house I would just try to remember all the good memories of growing up there. When you come back to Wisconsin make it a point to drive by the house. That should bring back good memories. That's what we always do when we go back up and visit family. Always go past our old house, to the park we used to go to when we were young, go down to Lake Michigan. I don't remember a lot but it brings back some of my earliest memories.

[dadofandrew]

Many of us cannot imagine not having 2 parents still married, but eventually, this will end, through death or divorce. Sad, but true.

 

I would concern myself solely with telling each of them that if they are in need of anything, you'd be happy to assist. Try to steer the dog to your sister.

 

Not to lessen the "that sucks" feeling, but many folks would love to have 2 parents who are still alive and healthy. Things happen, people grow apart, one behaves badly, whatever. I know of many parents who are just crushed they lost their son or daughter-in-law to divorce. It's a pity, but hopefully, it will make each of them happier. They are not getting divorced because they are giddy and thrilled, at least one of them was probably miserable.

[danzig6767]

One reason i think that i've never really had any desire to get married is i've never really seen a long term happy marriage up close.

 

All my relatives and my parents have either been divorced/remarried, some multiple times, or the few marriages that have lasted all the way seem passionless only still together because divorce after so long would be to big of a hassle.

 

The two aunt/uncles that are still together haven't seemed to really like each other for ages. One have had separate bedrooms for maybe 15 years and the other couple bickers nearly non-stop whenever i'm around them. I'd be surprised if either couple had sex even once the last 5 years.

 

The only couples i've seen in marriages that look happy are the ones on their 2nd/3rd marriage.